sent this as an email to a friend this morning. thought i should share with a wider audience:
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so i was in the shitter just now working on a slow burner. one of those where your body tells you it's time to offload some cargo, but for whatever reason it is afraid to head for the dock. regardless, i was just looking at my phone and waiting it out.
this dude comes tearing ass into the can like the goddamn tasmanian devil. just completely hauling ass. throws the stall door open, which bangs against the wall and shakes all the stalls at once; while at the same time fumbling furiously with his belt and pants. even as he was securing the door and flipping the lock, you could hear his pants being shaken loose. you could sense this guy's panic, while understanding that he was so close to relief.
anyway, he made it, because next he sat down and unleashed some hell. just a figurative and quite literal shitstorm. picture jeff daniels in dumb and dumber after lloyd gives him the ex-lax. there's no way he didn't take some shrapnel to his undercarriage, such was the force and volume of his mighty blast. i would not be surprised if it lifted him off the seat, as though he were sitting on a geyser. basically imagine shitting a muddy tornado.
and if i haven't made it clear, it was in no way 100% solid. just a horrible fucking disaster of a bowel movement, and at 7:30 in the AM, no less.
all of this probably happened in 5.2 seconds, from bathroom entry to ass explosion. almost immediately, instantly really, after his crime against the toilet he unfurled a long swath of tp, tidied up, flushed, closed up shop, and highstepped it out of there. all told, he was probably in the bathroom no more than 12 seconds. it was that fast.
so fast, actually, that he was gone by the time the smell reached my stall. and it was awful. like dead hooker stuffed in the mattress of a motel 6 in a room with no AC in the summer awful. gag inducing, really.
and while sitting there, face in my shirt, trying to hold down breakfast, my mind conjured up an image of 500 B-52 bombers appearing out of nowhere in the sky over some helpless city, releasing all the tonnage of bombs in their arsenal, and then streaking out of sight, leaving the town behind completely annihilated. it was that fast, that massive, and caused that much complete destruction.
out of respect, i did not look anywhere near the ruins of that stall on my way out.