Guy in a Bear Suit

GO MOTHERFUCKER!

ok, time to gripe again (surprise suprise). 

let us suppose for a moment that someone is waiting to make a left turn in a car, across a four lane road with a median (two lanes in each direction).  in order to start the turn, the person has to cross oncoming traffic.  it looks like this (they are the blue car):

 
  
let us further suppose that after two minutes of sitting at the intersection, the road looks like this:

note that in this scenario, the blue car sat still, even though there was a gap in the traffic on the near side.  this is due to the person being a fuckface.  people like this are waiting for BOTH sides of traffic to be open before they will pull out.  as anyone who has ever been at a busy intersection knows, it often takes a long time for both sides to clear at the same time.  and also, it's fucking needless to wait that long.

let's look at the road condition after another five minutes of waiting:

pay close attention to the fact that now the far lanes have presented an entrance-worthy gap, but now the near lanes are blocked, meaning this person cannot move.  it also means i am sitting RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND THEM WITH MY BRAIN ABOUT TO EXPLODE OUT OF ITS BRAINPAN!

let's have a do-over.  here's the first look (after two minutes) with what the driver should have done:

see?  they pulled out to the median.  now, you might whine and bitch, "but hey, now they're sticking out in traffic, waa, waa, fucking waa".  but in this particular case, the median is wide enough where the car can angle itself so that it is not sticking out in either direction (hey, my blog, my rules - plus the intersection like this that causes me so much trouble has wide medians).  i just didn't angle the car because i didn't feel like messing with it in MS paint.

now, let's look again at the view after another five minutes:

 
ah, yes.  the car has pulled out into traffic and is happily on their way.  so instead of sitting still, looking both ways tentatively like an old lady with alzheimers who has forgotten her way to luby's for 2:00 pm "dinner", they have moved on with two simple steps. 

just to be clear, and before i get called an aggressive road ragey asshole driver, i never honk or scream in this situation.  i assume that the driver in front of me has no idea that they're doing anything wrong and therefore wouldn't understand why i was honking.  to them, the road was never open, as both sides weren't clear.  i simply sit there and consider the consequences of ramming into the back of them with the gas pedal mashed to the goddamn floor.  i do drive a toyota; i could always claim it got stuck on the floormat.

if you don't read this, fuck you

it has been six years to the day since this wonderful tale took place.  it was a fan favorite when i first posted it, just over five years ago. 

now that i've doubled my viewership (from two to four), i thought i'd give those two new people the chance to check out what is undoubtedly my favorite entry.

it's good wholesome fun.  you should probably print it out and read it to your kids at bedtime.  as i think about it though, most of my entries should be required reading for honors elementary students across america.   

it wouldn't surprise me if disney caught onto this and turned it into a movie starring zac efron.  or they could change my gender and bring on that silly twat miley breaky-heart.  yeah, it's that good.  so fucking read it. 

or don't.  whatever. 

big ben get time out

"hurr durr, i go to do so much raep during extree six weeks off!  ben like rape yung gurlz!  feel good to ben!"

wait a moment, i think i have to doo-doo. yeah.

the guy who does these is incredibly talented with his editing and musical dubbing.

there are three previous creed shreds like this, but this one is my favorite so far.  actually had me shaking from laughing so hard.  i fucking hate creed, which makes it extra delicious to me.

**for some reason, the embedding into my page cuts the video off on the right.  to see the full screen, just click on it to open it in another window.

dave grohl, who is one of my faves, did this nice "tribute" to them as well:

...

i can't believe it has been five years.  i still think about amy quite often and she makes an appearance in one of my dreams about every other month or so.   

in those dreams, she's always laughing and having a good time and lifting the spirits of everyone around her; just the way i'll always remember her.

pillsbury bill

or silence of the doughboy.

the ryan express

the morning guys on my favorite radio station were talking about baseball no-hitters this morning; specifically about how one of the guys had never seen one start to finish, either in person or on tv.

it got me thinking about my #1 favorite sports moment - nolan ryan's 7th no-hitter on may 1, 1991, at which i was in attendance.

it was a wednesday night, late in my junior year of high school.  i was just getting ready to go for a jog; literally out the front door when my mom yelled that i had a phone call.  it was my buddy bill, who was calling to see if i wanted to go to the ranger game that night, spur of the moment.  i think his mom had scored some half-price general admission coupons or something, which meant we'd each get in for $2.  i told him i was about to run and had other shit to do, but asked who was on the hill for texas.  he told me it was nolan going against jimmy key, also no slouch.  it was always cool to watch nolan pitch, so i changed my plans and told him to come pick me up.  

we called a few other friends, but no one was interested in going that night, so it was just the two of us.  we settled in before the first pitch in the left field bleachers of old arlington stadium, right near the foul pole.  not great seats, but for $2, no one was complaining.  nolan was pedestrian in the 1st inning, striking out one and walking one.  he started to heat up in the 2nd though, striking out the side and only throwing thirteen pitches.  he struck out two in each of the third and fourth, only going to three balls once.  you could tell he had his grade A shit and that the blue jays were in for a long night.  

anytime nolan was pitching, there was always the possibility of a no-hitter.  i think around the fourth was when bill and i started talking about it.   it was one of those cases where you're aware that the guy is mowing people down, but not until you look at the zeroes on the scoreboard do you realize a no-no is going on.  probably from that point on, there was a noticeable buzz in the stadium.  the cheers got a bit louder with every out, especially the strikeouts.

the rangers got to jimmy key in the fourth with gary pettis scoring after stealing 3rd and a throwing error by the catcher, then added on with ruben sierra's two run homer. 

after nolan struck out two in each of the sixth, seventh and eighth, all while giving up no hits of course, it was positively electric in that little minor league park with the metal bleachers that the rangers used to play in.  every single out was cheered like the final out of a regular game.  it even got to the point where people were standing with every two strike count.  no one was leaving their seat to get beer or food or even to take a piss.  if i had to bet, i'd put the over/under at 10 on the number of people that pissed themselves trying to hold it until the last out.

the only part of this game that was a beating was the doucher sitting to my right.  i don't usually like talking to strangers.  well this guy liked to chat early and often.  of course bill thought it was great because he was on the other side of me and could avoid the whole developing situation.  however, once everyone was hip to what was going on, he stopped chatting, but instead switched to one of my most hated of sports fan traditions; the high five.  now i will high five as a player of sports with no problem.  but only very few sports moments will make me load up and deliver a five as a fan.  i remember the dallas cowboys winning a game on a last second TD over san francisco when i was in college and my roommate and i both jumped up and exchanged fives.  afterwards, it was awkward, like we had just touched our tips or something during a threesome.  

anyway, this guy wanted a fucking five AFTER EVERY SINGLE MOTHERHUMPING STRIKE.  i actually laughed while typing this because i can remember sensing the five request before actually seeing it.  i'd be yelling and cheering along with everyone else when i'd feel this fucking hand just off my right ear.  he'd be looking at me with his goofy fucking mustachioed grin, holding his hand up in anticipation, and sort of nodding at me like, "c'mon, you know you want to".  i did not want to.  all of this was most amusing to bill, who started encouraging the dude by fiving him up unsolicited.  eventually i started turning my back on the guy and letting bill five him across the gap. 

funny aside about this guy; he managed a shoe store in a local mall - one that i frequented all the time.  for months after, any time i went in his store, he'd make me tell his buddies that he was actually at the game.  sometimes for my own amusement, i'd lay out on him and pretend i had no idea who he was and deny that i was even at that game.  sometimes i'd pretend to not even know who nolan ryan was, just to take the piss out of him for needing all those goddamn fives. 

back to the game.  in the bottom of the eighth, the rangers put together a mini rally.  juan gonzalez got his steriod swollen ass in the way of a pitched ball and then mike stanley hit a double.  the crowd so badly wanted to see more nolan that they actually began to boo the home team for delaying it.  order was restored when juando got caught stealing and steve buechele grounded out, which actually drew cheers. 

while nolan warmed up in the ninth, i can barely even describe the atmosphere.  it wasn't so much loud at that point, but more like a constant hum.  i swear people were even cheering a bit when nolan would really pop one into stanley's mitt.  have you ever seen a group of kids when they're waiting for something big, like opening xmas gifts?  they do that nervous energy dance where they shift weight from one foot to the other or maybe hop.  and they talk too much, unable to contain their excitement.  that's what the stands were like.  keep in mind, this was a very early season game with a team that finished around .500 the previous two seasons and had plenty of years where they finished in last.  you'd never know it by being there.  it was like late october, with rings on the line.

manuel lee lead off the 9th for toronto.  after taking a ball, he grounded out to second.  one down.  after each pitch of the ninth, it would get quiet for about two seconds and then build to a tremendous crescendo.  people were stomping and swaying like a fucking world cup match in brazil.  many fives were exchanged, including some involving me.

devon white came up next.  he went 3-2, which was agonizing, but then relented with another groundout to 2nd.  one to go. 

a pre-spitting roberto alomar came up after white.  he worked the count to 2-2 and i thought for sure there would be at least one heart attack in the crowd.  for his entire at-bat, flash bulbs were popping with each pitch.  nolan brought the heat and alomar swung through it - NO FUCKING HITTER NUMBER SEVEN! 

i'm not sure why, but i remember looking up at the stands behind me just in time to see a huge wave of beer cascading down.  i'm sure it was accidental, due to someone lifting their arms in celebration and forgetting they still had a full cup of beer, but nevertheless we all got soaked.  it didn't even matter.  the players went nuts, the crowd continued going nuts and no one wanted to leave. 

when bill and i finally walked back to the car, it was surreal.  everyone in the long cattle trail of fans was friendly with each other, laughing and smiling at our shared experience.  bill and i were both hoarse from screaming and we were already mocking our friends who had decided to skip.  but it was also oddly depressing.  like one second you were in this incredible moment and then next second you stink like beer and you're thinking about a trig test the next morning.

i know that for non sports fans, all of this will read like it's a bit much - "uh, dude, it was a baseball game, not jesus coming out of the womb on a unicorn with rainbow wings", but if you're a fan, it was overwhelming.  

as a postscript to the guys on the radio, i also was a part of several perfect games in little league.  my teammate was a little league version of nolan ryan and had more than one game where he struck out 18 out of 18 batters.  these were decidedly less magical, and as a shortstop, they were pretty boring.

but unless i can be at a super bowl where the cowboys win in the final minute, i'm afraid this will be the pinnacle of my sports viewing.  but it's a pretty damn good one.  to this day, i carry in my wallet the $4 general admission ticket and the dot race ticket with may 1, 1991 printed on it.

  

duke sucks

god i hate duke.  if there is a hell, i bet that duke, the yankees, and the ny giants win championships every year.

butler loses some points due to matt howard's wispy molester stache:

but duke cheated like always.  that cro-magnon zoubek threw howard to the ground with about 50 seconds left and a one point lead for duke and didn't get called for the very obvious foul.  duke was in the penalty and it should have been foul shots the other way.

oh well, now it's another 48 or so weeks of ignoring college basketball.