Guy in a Bear Suit

what dreams may come

it has happened more than once where i'll dream of something, only to find out that it has become reality when i wake up.  i'm not talking about world events, or even things happening to other people; my "gift" is limited to myself.

i've dreamt that i have a zit that i'm trying to hide from people and woke up with one.  i've dreamt that i'm fighting a cold only to wake up with a sore throat.  i don't think that either of these are very rare or special, because i think our brain picks up on what our body is telling it better when we sleep.

some of you out there (ok, one of you - shewb) will be happy to know that the other night i had a dream that i had a brain tumor.  it was awful because it was the "present" me, as oppposed to sometimes where you are of a different age or different circumstances (married v single, kids v no kids, still in high school or college, etc.).  the present me spent much of the dream being sad that i'd never see my kids grow up.  also, i was in a meeting at work (in the dream) and couldn't make a point i wanted to make because my powers of speech had started slipping.  it was just awful and i was relieved when i woke up.

anyway, i just wanted to get that out there in case a diagnosis comes down in the near future.

hopefully the tumor was just a dream representation of the alcohol-induced erosion of my brainpower.  and maybe tonight i can dream about doing blow off of a hooker's ass while watching the cowboys win the superbowl and not getting fat eating queso and ice cream all day.

wayback machine

my dad just sent me some rocking and rolling pics from my youth.

not sure how old i was in the group shot with my sisters & dad, but i'd guess around seven or eight, which would make my dad forty or forty one, my older sister ten or eleven, and my little sister four or five.  my sisters' pigtails are all sorts of awesome, as is my severe bowl cut. 

in the picture where i'm wearing the cutoff jorts and the hat, i would have been around nine (sisters twelve and six).  dig the alfred e. newman shirt. 

in the one on the couch, i was three (sisters six and under one).  pretty sure i'm munching on bottlecaps while adjusting my hearing aid and pondering why the fuck my hair is so curly.

giggle

when st. tebow showed up to bomb his wonderlic test and decided to request some pregame jesustalk, the other dudes in the room didn't care too much for it.

if you want to pray, pray.  don't stop the whole room down to take part in your silly ritual.

based on his test results, WWJD was not the best strategy for answering questions.

prince of peace, dds

between two ferns

the latest installment, with ben stiller.  if you haven't watched these, you're missing out.  i think there are about 6 or 7 episodes.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Ben Stiller from Between Two Ferns

reading, writing, and arithmetic

so once again texas is playing the role of slack-jawed yokel to the rest of the country.  our stupid fucking board of education is basically trying to make our young'ins more retarded than britney spears after being deprived of oxygen for 30 minutes.

this story makes me feel like i'm going to have a massive fucking stroke.  i simply refuse to believe that educated people can think these are good ideas. 

here are some new proposed chapters for texas textbooks next year:

- raindrops; god's tears

- slavery; a pretty good deal for blacks if you ask me.

- why can't the illegal alien mexicans speak english when they're doing my landscaping?

 - david duke was ahead of his time

- it wasn't genocide of the native american indian, it was necessary-cide!  go america!

- MLK was a faggot and commie pinko

- dinosaurs are jesus horses

fucking kids today are stupid enough, with all the LOL, OMG, etc taking the place of actually learning spelling, grammar, or proper syntax.  do we need to further cloud their minds with the idea that thomas jefferson is not as important to our history as newt gingrich?

some days it's just not worth it to read the news. 

saved by the caffeine

this episode was actually on tv last saturday morning.  elizabeth berkely should have won an emmy, so powerful was her "acting". 

if only corey haim had stuck to caffeine pills...

(you should click on the pic to see the larger version that you can read)

the gays are evil and should have no rights!

i'm positively giddy when something like this happens.

you always have to watch those that doth protest too much.

i'm sure he was just rescuing the guy they found in his car from the evil clutches of man-on-man action. 

douchetastic

honest to my 8 lb 6 oz sweet babyjesus in heaven i overheard this phone conversation yesterday at the gym (only one side of the conversation, of course).  i think i got the wording pretty close because i actually wrote it down as soon as i got back to my desk, knowing i'd want to write about it later.

GUY WEARING BLACK BIKINI BRIEFS (on his phone.  very loudly):  hey.  yeah, you texted me at a very fortunate moment.  i was just about to start my workout; gonna rip my shoulders and back today, probably a good hour.

(listens)

GWBBB: but yeah, i absolutely agree with your proposal.  it's really the best solution, given all the parameters.  at the end of the day it's a win win.

ok, at this point i assumed this was just another doucher who wanted to talk about his Big Important Job in front of everybody.  i mean, all the corporate speak at a loud volume plus the way the guy looked like a salesman made it seem like he was talking shop.  i would have bet a large sum that he drove a hummer and had at least one golf picture on his office wall.

(GWBBB listens)

GWBBB:  oh i know, with my crazy work schedule and traveling, that is the only viable option.  we definitely have to take advantage of these opportunities when they present themselves and strike while the iron is hot. 

(listens)

GWBBB:  all right, well i'll get off work at 5 on friday and we'll do a movie first then poker night with the group. 

(listens)

GWBBB:  perfect.  talk atcha.

(hangs up)

yes, he actually quoted gordon fucking gekko.   i think i was probably staring at him in disbelief after those last two exchanges.  he was planning a date.  who in the pissfuck talks to a date like that?  win win?  parameters?  viable option and taking advantage of opportunities when they present themselves? 

for the love of the father, the son, and the holy fucking spirit, what kind of person talks like that to a friend or significant other?  it took every ounce of strength i had left to not deliver a mighty kick to the nutbag on this unholy cockcheese.  i've never wanted to pop someone right in the suckhole more than i did this bagg.  i guaranfuckingtee he had axe body spray in his locker and many creed and third eye blind songs on his ipod.

but then again, maybe it's just me.  maybe i'm the one who's different.  with his words bouncing around in my head the rest of the day, i've never been so happy to be different.

epic beard man, take 2

epic beard man as a nintendo punchout game.  note the amber lamps at the beginning and end.