Guy in a Bear Suit

funny pictures

have a lovely weekend.  

how much is that doggy on the dashboard

i was leaving the gym at lunch today and noticed what appeared to be one of those little rat sized dogs sleeping on the dashboard of an otherwise vacant car.

i wasn't sure if he was real or not, so i walked closer to the car to take a look.  i guess he sensed me because he opened one eye and looked at me, but still didn't get up.  i reached into my bag to get my phone and he got up on his haunches and gave me a withering stare.  here's proof:

it's cold outside today too; poor little guy. 

i believe in miracles - YES

yesterday on nbc during the olympic coverage, they did a piece on the 1980 US olympic hockey team, the "miracle on ice" team from the lake placid games.  even after thirty years and all the attention that game has received (including a movie starring kurt russell), it still gives me goosebumps to hear al michaels' call at the end of the game. 

and of course the speech herb brooks gave his boys wasn't bad either. 

of course of course

nbc has a new show that they've been promo-ing during the olympics.  it's called who do you think you are and is about celebrities researching their family tree.  (as an aside about the olympics, boy is that evgeni plushekno one ugly motherfucker.  dude has NO alibi.  he looks like larry bird crossed with ichabod crane and a pez dispenser).

this new show has my favorite actress of all time; sarah jessica parker.  such a rare beauty.  i won't watch of course, but i think it will play something like this:

SARAH JESSICA PARKER (meeting with some small town local historian) - hi, i'm sarah.  thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me.

SMALL TOWN LOCAL HISTORIAN - ah, of course.  it's my pleasure.

SJP - so i understand you can help me trace back into my family tree. 

STLH - i believe i can, miss.  i know just about everyone who has ever passed through our fair berg.  can you tell me your dad's name?  that will help get me started.

SJP - oh yes, his name is steven, steven parker.  i believe his dad was joseph parker.

STLH - oh yes.  i know exactly.  your family is quite....unique.  (rummages around in a file cabinet)   found it.  the archives of the library.  do you have time for a quick car ride?

SJP - of course.  i'm so excited.  i don't know much about my genealogy. 

the two ride to the library in STLH's old plymouth duster.  various shots of small town people; kids, pets, trees and the like.  happy music plays.  they arrive at their destination.

STLH - (pointing to a back room and ushering SJP ahead of him)  here we are.  right back there we can get some answers.

the room is dusty, with old newspapers stacked on boxes and tons of faded sepia toned pictures on the wall.  STLH looks around for a bit while SJP glances here and there.  finally he stops and points to the far end of the room.

STLH - right there, ma'am.  that second one from the left on the bottom.  i believe that is your great great grandfather.

 
SJP - oh wow.  such a dapper man.  so he was into horses?  do you know if he was a breeder?

STLH - uh, what? 

SJP - my great great grandfather, was he a farmer or something?  what's his name?

STLH - no no, dear; that man is colonel horace longstreet.  he owned your great great grandfather. 

SJP - my ancestors were slaves?

STLH - what?  no.  the horse, dear.  your great great grandfather is that magnificent horse.  his name is boy howdy.  i've heard he was the fastest horse around.  isn't he splendid?

SJP - (stunned)...............

STLH - would you like to come out back and meet some of your cousins?  i believe there are some sugar cubes around here we could feed them.

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if it went like that, i'd watch the show for sure. 

amber lamps

if you've been on the internet this week, you've seen this video.  it's an old dude who looks like papa smurf kicking the ass of a younger dude who looks like coolio after coolio instigates a fight on a bus.

the old guy has been christened Epic Beard Guy.

there is a girl wearing headphones sitting in front of coolio.  the interwebz has named her "amber lamps", inspired by the way coolio says he needs an "am-ba-lamps" after he's all fucked up and bloody. 

please note the chick at the end who thinks it's a good idea to go through papa smurf's bag after he has exited the bus.  she's the same lovely sweetheart who was yelling "kick his white ass" and calling him "pinky" moments before.

to quote a louis armstrong song, what a wonderful world.

he's a survivor

i think i figured out what johhny weir does when he's not skating.

abort, abort! (or, tim tebow and his mom will raise your baby)

so probably everyone has heard about  jesus tebowchrist's anti-abortion ad that will air during the super bowl on sunday.  i wish they'd run this one instead:

my friend molly called tebow "the abortion that lived", which was very funny to me. 

i think i'm going to dress as him next halloween.  i'll paint some fake tears on my face and stick a coat hanger in the side of my head.

anyway, if you are a female and are in the unenviable state of (1) being pregnant by an abusive relative or rapist, (2) are a crackhead and know that you'll only end up selling the baby for more crack, or (3) are a retarded teenager who will place the baby in a dumpster and then go on about your texting, sexting, carefree day, don't despair; for st. tebow the immaculate and his mother will raise the baby for you.

just send it to them via fedex, no strings.  pope tebow will put bible verses eye black on the infant and will raise it to peak at the age of 22.

of course i'm kidding.  abort the sucker with great haste.  more abortions and more executions equal shorter lines and more parking for me.

jesus is standing by

drop him a note right here.