Guy in a Bear Suit

twilight followup

OMG LOL skywalker

star wars humor is always funny 

vampires aren't fucking sparkly

ok.  enough.  enough of fucking "twilight" and that angst-ridden sissy edward cullen.

i haven't read the books or seen the movies, so i can only go by what i've heard or seen on the internet.  i understand that debating what vampires should and should not be like is similar to discussing the merits of unicorns' horns or leprechauns' pots 'o gold, so take this for what you will. 

basically i've been told that the vampires in twilight are sparkly. 

motherfucking vampires aren't sparkly. 

here are some things that are sparkly:

1. glitter on a stripper
2. mr. clean's head
3. jewelry

here are some things that are not:

1. rambo
2. a hobo's taint
3. goddamn motherfucking vampires

this is a vampire:

this is another vampire:

 
 
conversely, this:

 

......is an emo looking, jonas brothers fan club president who has a sore vagina and probably cuts himself while listening to morrissey.

vampires are supposed to be hardcore blood-sucking badasses, not sissies who shop at hot topic and look like they were attacked by a bedazzler.  if you're more liberace than james dean, you're a damn shitty vampire.  no.  fucking.  sparkles.

i understand that these books were written for teen girls and what's better to a teen girl than sparkly feminine boys?  but still, let's not rewrite the entire genre just so that teens and frumpy housewives can get all damp while dreaming of being loved up by sparkles the blood sucker. 

and seriously, does any guy out there either (a) read this shit, or (b) know another guy who does?  cause i don't know one guy who is into twilight.  not one.  and this is coming from a guy who read probably five of the harry potter books. 

it's gotten to the point where i can't take entertainment weekly on the stationary bike at the gym because this fucker's face is on every other issue's cover.  do you think precious edward cullen (it embarrasses me that i  know his name) could take this guy in a scrap:

i think the words you're looking for are FUCK and NO.  while the shiny undead guy was whining and moping about, nosferatu would rip his head off and use his spinal fluid as lube while he fucked his equally mopey girlfriend.

in closing, a most amusing commercial for those vampire lovers out there. 

Twilight Cycles from Brandon Routh

are you ready for some football (and domestic violence and gay stuff)

this is worth watching all the way through.  pretty much a typical sunday right?  wait, what? 

Rejected Pro Football Promo (Feat. John Mellencamp, America) -- powered by Cracked.com

ju fargin bastages

when i saw the picture of the new sammy sosa and his light skin, my first thought was that if you put a mustache on him, he'd look just like roman maroney from "johnny dangerously" (a seriously underrated movie in the michael keaton canon).

take a look for yourself (sorry, this was the only decent pic of maroney i could find)

 

but i am a fan of his wife's funbags trying to bob to the surface of the picture.
 

jesus loves me, this i know

if you're the kind of fella or gal that gets upset or just plain bored when i rant against religion, then go ahead and keep moving; nothing to see here.

otherwise, allow me to vent a bit.

there are a fuck-ton of quizzes, polls, and so forth on facebook.  and by the way, no, i don't want to play any stupid fucking dungeons & dragons or mafia shit, so quit asking me to help you slay the big scary dragon or whack out a rat.  anyway i ignore 99% of these quizzes & polls.  however, i've seen one lately that makes my brain bleed.  it says, "what do you trust more - the bible or science". 

i've seen quite a few people i know choose the bible.  ok, something like 75% of the US is christian (and probably 112% of Frisco, TX since super holy born-agains & promise keepers count twice), so i shouldn't have been surprised, but......fuck.   are you people fucking retarded?  like simple jack full retard?  i'm just at a complete loss.  i can't for the life of me understand how this is a legitimate debate among educated people.  even if you are a christan, how can you ignore science and say that a book written thousands of years ago by a bunch of goat herders is a more accurate textbook?  you honestly don't think that science has made any more progress in explaining how shit works beyond what people knew back when they still thought the earth was flat and that women shouldn't talk?  ok, so they got some things right.

imagine your car breaks down.  two different mechanics offer to help fix it.  the first guy lifts up the hood and proceeds to show you first hand how a motor works.  he's explaining how cylinders work, demonstrating fuel injectors and waxing poetic about pistons, oil pumps, and catalytic converters.  he clearly knows the ins and outs of an engine and can explain how it all comes together.  he's pretty sure that he can fix your car.

the second dude refuses to open the hood.  he says a magical being that runs the car lives in there.  if this being wants the car to work, it will work.  if the car doesn't work, well, the magic man inside the car just didn't want you to drive that day.  furthermore this magic man, and thus the car itself, works in mysterious ways and you couldn't possibly understand even if dude #2 were to open the hood and show you.  he advises you to hope really hard that the car will work and if the magic man intends it to be so, it will. 

which would you trust more to get you back on the road?  wait, first pretend you're not a drooling mindless idiot and then make your decision.

point the second.

i heard this story on a sports radio show today.  basically paris hilton paid a shaman named "pepe the witch" to put a hex on soccer star cristiano ronaldo.  ronaldo, believing in that shit, countered with his own sorcerer named "Fafa" to remove the hex. 

of course, all the "educated" people had a good laugh at all that voodoo and black magic stuff.  but really, how is any of that different than using prayer beads or gathering with other like-minded people to bow your heads and fold your hands and beg an all-knowing man in the sky to give you what you want?  it's the same thing people. 

if ronaldo breaks his leg tomorrow, pepe the witch is going to look like a fucking wizard.  but guess what, he plays fucking soccer.  people sometimes get hurt doing that. 

if your great aunt sally recovers from vagina cancer, it's because people sometimes get fucking better, not because jesus did his little bewitched nose wiggle thing and took the cancer out. 

and i'll close with one other question that i've never been given a good answer to.  if god has a plan, and everything always follows that plan, why pray?  if god wants it done, it will happen.  if he doesn't, it won't.  your prayer doesn't do a goddamn thing.  it's just like "a few good men" dude.  if jessup gave an order not to hurt santiago and his orders are always followed, why did santiago need to be transferred? 

save your breath when prayer time comes and let god handle the code reds.

my kind of humor

i just can't pass these things up.

a kenyan, i'm not

saturday morning i ran a 10K (6.2 miles) on the treadmill at the gym.  it had been a while since i had done anything longer than 4 miles, so i just wanted to see how it went. 

i finished in 49:10, which was a decent time for me.  granted, it is much easier to run on a treadmill than outside, but i felt ok about it.

until i opened the paper this morning and saw that the winner of a local half marathon (13.1 miles) did it in 1:05. 

so basically my pace was about as fast as that dude could have crawled.