this incident took place at my high school. makes me wonder how much it happened when i was there.
in thirteen years of public school, i only had one teacher that i wanted to bang. she taught 8th grade computer literacy class. lovely big rack. we used to ask her lots of questions at her desk so we could look down her shirt.
my wife has been out of town since monday. it has gone mostly smoothly, but last night the boys were very much non-cooperative.
this is a five minute slice of my evening last night.
i had left the outside garage door open when we got home last night because i needed to go back out later. i got the boys dinner, made sure they were eating, and then called the cable company because i needed for them to come out tomorrow. in the middle of the call, hudson (the two year-old) starts screaming because he wants more chocolate goldfish, which was their dessert.
i can't hear the guy on the phone, so i go in the garage. two seconds later, hudson comes outside too. he leaves the door open too long so huckleberry (the dog) gets out and heads off down the driveway. i have to tell the guy on the phone to hold on in order to wrangle them back in the house. i can't properly raise my voice because neighbors are out and i have a phone a few inches from my head.
once back inside, i give hudson more goldfish and go upstairs to hear better. five seconds after that, keaton (the five year-old) starts screaming at hudson to get off the table, because he has now climbed up on it.
when i finally finish my call, i come downstairs to see hudson standing on the table laughing like a mongoloid idiot while keaton is yelling at him to get down. this was the tail end of a lot of acting up by them and i had reached my breaking point, so i yelled at hudson to get down and yelled at keaton for being so loud when i was on the phone. keaton starts crying because he's sensitive and as hudson is getting down, he knocks the plate holding the goldfish all over the floor. and then has a fit. so i'm trying to clean it up before huckleberry can get to it and trying to calm both boys down. eventually order was restored (temporarily).
needless to say, we're happy brandy is home tonight.
they're making me root for a team from goddamn philadelphia. i don't have anything against the phillies per se, but as a rule, i root against teams from new york, boston, and philly. north east fans are the most despicable on the planet, just ahead of steeler fans.
i couldn't find a good video clip in my 2 minutes of looking, but at the end of the ALCS, when the last out was made, that greasy mook jorge posada did that catholic move of crossing himself and then pointed at the sky.
my positions on god are well documented, but if there were such a being, i can say with 100% certainty that he/she would not be a motherfucking yankee fan. i'll go a step further and say that the fact that the yankees are in the world series is proof that god does not influence sports. if god flicked his magic fairy dust at post season baseball, a-rod would bat his typical .100 and not have any hits with runners in scoring position.
phillies v. yankees isn't quite as bad as new york giants v. new england patriots in the super bowl, where i was mainly hoping a plane would crash into the stadium, killing both teams, but it's close.
i'd kinda like to bang my eye doctor, but i'm afraid she'd get on top and say, "what feels better; number one or number two? number one. or number two."
ran that joke by my wife last night. she liked it. she might be the only one.
my wife watches "so you think you can dance". like with most dancing shows, the women are in good shape and wear skimpy clothing, so i sometimes watch here and there as well. sometimes with my pants off.
after all, i met my current girlfriend, julianne hough, when i caught a few minutes of "dancing with the stars" that my wife also watches. julianne, by virtue of a restraining order and armed bodyguards, has been playing hard to get, but it's really just a matter of time until we can be as one.
however, with "so you think you can dance", i can only watch in like 30 second increments because of one of the judges. her name is mary murphy and her screeching voice, giant teeth, and grating personality put me into a rage-induced seizure. every single time she comes on the screen i have to either mute it or walk out of the room. she is more annoying than any other person i've ever seen through the years on TV, from MTV's puck, to rosie o'donnell, on down to any time gwyenth paltrow shows up on a talk show.
my five year-old said to me a few weeks ago, "hey dadda, do you know what mama is watching?" i said, no i did not. he said, "she's watching that lady that you want to punch in the face". right on. that voice trips some switch in my brain that makes me want to club a baby seal.
watch this first clip. then tell me if you don't understand maybe, just maybe why that guy had to beat her.
then watch the next one. if you don't seriously consider finding out where she lives and going there with the express purpose of introducing her fucking face to a lead pipe, then you should probably call a doctor because you might be in a coma.
people falling down? funny. laughing at fat people? funny.
fat people falling down? gold.
here's just one lovely sample. i've linked the site over there on the left.
this guy looks like hurley from "lost" on a moped. i really like how he got like minus two inches of air on that last troublesome ridge. his plumber's crack is also phenomenal.
he came down pretty hard on those handlebars with his bitchtits. i'm surprised he didn't bury the front end of the bike 12 feet into the dirt.
you've probably seen this on the innerwebs by now, but i'm just getting around to putting it up.
i find meredith viera sexy in a GILFy sort of way, but this thing makes me oh so tense. to his credit, iceman here takes it all in stride. a good looking pilot dude in his uniform is probably just happy when lonely hausfraus aren't humping his leg and telling him to buzz their tower.
this guy will engage when is goddamn good and ready, but not a moment before.
if meredith isn't all cobwebs and dust bunnies down there, i'm pretty sure a key grip had to come out and use a spatula to get her off that seat when all was said and done.
with all the blatant sexual innuendo going on, i'm surprised she didn't jump all over it when "doggie" was one of the potential answers. however, telling slider that he could put it "anywhere you wanna put it" was TV gold.
