Guy in a Bear Suit

random

last night after the kids had gone to bed, my wife was going through mail and other stacks of paper in the kitchen.  she ended up spewing out a curse-filled phrase along the likes of "...all the goddamn fucking shit they send home with keaton every day" in regard to, you guessed it, all the goddamn fucking papers and whatnot that our oldest boy's kindergarten class sends home.

i owe her an apology.  before we met 10+ years ago, i bet she had never said that many curses in one hour, much less one sentence.  i have clearly been a bad influence.

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here's a good hate list of things people say or how they pronounce them (each of these has happened within the last month while i've been keeping a list):

1. when people say fo-ward for forward.
2. peeench instead of pinch.
3. fustrated instead of frustrated.  R is the second letter.  look it up.
4. when people say, "i know, right".  i literally fucking cringe every time i hear this.  if i were ranking these by hatred levels, this would be number one.  a white hot hatred.
5. when people say, "you should come with". 
6. "so wrong on so many levels".  usually there is only one level. 
7. people who refer to their friends as "besties".  typically this is done as a caption to a picture on facebook.

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our oldest boy is having some friends over on sunday afternoon.  they are his girlfriend and another buddy (male) from his daycare that he hasn't seen in the few weeks since they went their separate ways to kindergarten.  it was scheduled around two weeks ago and he had been counting down the days.  the mother of the girlfriend told my wife that erin, the girl, is just beside herself with excitement. 

keaton has been telling me each night about all the things he's going to show his friends.  things like his dog, his toys, his video games, & his room.  we have an original old school NES and he wants to show them various things on super mario 3.  he has voiced his concern about who will play with daniel when he's playing with erin and vice versa.  i floated the novel idea that they could all play together, but it was shot down pretty quickly. 

watching little kids interact and listening to how their minds work is just fascinating to me.

happy weekend.

holy tits

i know a pretty fair number of christian girls who have breast implants.  that always seems like a contradiction to me, but i could be wrong. 

if god's plan for you (christians love to tell you about god's plans - usually when something horrible has happened) was a splendid DD rack, wouldn't he have just installed them at the factory instead of forcing you to pay thousands to get them bolted on?

it makes me ask the question, what would jesus do with big ass titties?  i think he'd bury his bearded face in them and deliver the mightiest of motorboats unto the girl.  he would smite the areola and ask for seconds.

then matthew, mark, luke, and john would be all, "hey JC, how were they?  were they built for speed or for comfort?  did you motorboat 'em?  you motorboatin' son of a bitch, you old sailor".

if i remember my scripture correctly, god's word is as follows: "if thine smallish titties offend thee, stuff them full of silicon or saline and wear low cut shirts".

of course, i'm not complaining.

let me hear you tatooine!

greetings from a creepy old man

the following experience has happened to every straight man in the U.S.

(inner dialogue when seeing a hot chick somewhere; probably takes two seconds from start to finish)

wow, look at that, would you?  good lord, those legs!  man, they just go on and on, right up to that amazing ass.  i would wear that ass like a hat.  thank god for tight, skimpy shorts.  oh, and what's that?  fucking tits that defy gravity underneath a tight shirt with some cleavage.  man alive, what i would do to a piece of tail like that.

oh wait.  her face.  she's really cute, but.........she can't be more than sixteen.  oh fuck.  do i have to register as a sex offender now?  but damn, that body.  don't stare, don't stare.  she might catch you and everyone else will notice that you're eye fucking the jailbait.  move on, abort!

happened to me at the gym last night.  wasn't the first time; won't be the last.