so teen wolf has been on a lot lately and i always watch it. i even introduced my five year-old son to it.
*as an aside, it is a monumental undertaking to show that kid a new movie and then watch it with him. he will ask ten billion questions over the course of a 90 minute movie. i would estimate that 99.99999% of those questions would be answered for him if he'd just watch the next five minutes. but anyway.
naturally, while i was watching, a lot of observations and questions (that were not answerable by watching) popped into my head. for you, my loyal audience of two readers, i'm going to share them with you now.
- the biggest thought i kept having is why aren't people making a bigger deal over this? i mean a kid turns into a fucking werewolf on a basketball court and everyone just kinda shrugs and finishes the game, even going out for pizza later. CNN, dateline, geraldo, larry king; none of these news outlets even send a correspondant over to check it out. i would think the FBI, CIA, and fucking national geographic would be all over this. and i'm sure some religious nutjob would try to kill him with fire. but everybody seems basically ok with a wolf boy who can dunk a basketball and play the game like a younger kobe bryant. when darryl hannah turned into a mermaid in "splash", goverment scientists took her away and kept her in a tank where her long hair always magically and frustratingly covered her tits. teen wolf would have been on the cover of people magazine at least. maybe sports illustrated's faces in the crowd.
- what the fuck is up with the names? stiles? boof? what kind of a chick would go by "boof"? when i was growing up, "boofoo" was another word for homosexual buttfucking. IMDB tells me their character names are rupert "stiles" stilinski and lisa "boof" marconi. ok, so i get stiles, but fucks sake, boof?
- concerning stiles, how & why is he the MC of that house party where scott eventually claw fucks boof in the closet? i went to a fair amount of house parties in high school. most of them had girls getting drunk and then crying, vomiting, or both along with dudes taking their shirts off to duke it out on the front lawn. none of them had double-dare-style hosted game shows taking place. and stiles' co-host, that skanky chick holding the hat with the dares in it, was 40 years old if she was a day.
- why does stiles wear turquoise pants and then red pants? no one did this, not even in 1985. i did like stiles t-shirt that read "what are you looking at, dicknose".
- after scott gets a semi wolf at the liquor store, enabling him to score the keg, stiles drives down the fucking road with it in his passenger seat. in a convertible. yeah, that's how we used to do it too. i guess in a town where one can do backflips on top of a moving van that has one's picture on the side, anything goes with the local police.
- when scott "wolfs out" to stiles in the garage, stiles immediately calls him TW, for teen wolf. i guess he just made that up on the spot. it's never said again in the movie and scott is never referred to as "teen wolf" directly. the only place it shows up is on the souvenir T shirts that stiles sells.
- how did scott's clothes fit? he added probably twenty pounds of hair when he transformed. wouldn't he bust out of his clothes, like the hulk? and what about his shoes? he grew those long disgusting claws on his hands, wouldn't claws shoot out the ends of his high tops?
- why did scott become a nobody again once he went back to human form? people would still know it was him. they'd be all, "hey, there's that fucking guy that turns into a wolf".
- the guy playing mick, scott's arch enemy, is at least 40. he could date stiles' co-host.
- regarding mick, he would have been tossed like five times out of his various basketball games for all those flagrant fouls. either that or someone would have just kicked his old ass.
- scott's dad looks like jerry garcia when he wolfs out. but he was very nice to carl in sling blade.
- pamela (the blonde) is incredibly hot. i want to do rape on her face. she would never go for a lil' fella like scott, giant furry wolf penis or not.
in closing, a nice collection of clips: