Guy in a Bear Suit

on celebrity trifectas

INT.  THE AFTERLIFE - MID AFTERNOON.

FARRAH FAWCETT enters a soothing-looking room, looking tired but relieved and relaxed and still beautiful.  She sits down heavily on a plush couch and looks around the room at the other souls, who appear to be excited that she is among them. 

an AFTERLIFE ADMINISTRATOR stands at the ready in the corner.  there are monitors all around the room, showing various scenes on earth.

FARRAH - hey everyone.  thanks for welcoming me today. 

MAN  - wow, farrah fawcett.  i had that poster of you on my wall.

FARRAH - (laughing kindly) oh gosh.  yes, it was very popular back then.

WOMAN  - (scooting closer on the couch) - i loved you in the burning bed.  so....gritty and real.

FARRAH - thank you so much.  that's very nice of you to say.

MAN  - we've been watching you the last few months.  sorry your ending had to be so painful and drawn out.

FARRAH - yes, i guess it was.  but i'm here now.  i just want to relax and reflect on my life.

AFTERLIFE ADMINISTRATOR - ms. fawcett, if you'll look at monitor #1, you'll see the outpouring of love by your fans on earth.  and just right there on monitor #12 you're all over the news.  top story on every tv station and web site.

FARRAH - wow, that's something, huh?  i feel a little bad about knocking ed mcmahon off the news though.  he was a nice man.  but i guess after all i dealt with, it's somewhat nice to see that i'll be missed.

MAN  - oh ed mcmahon is fine.  he was just in here this morning, but took off when he found out about you.  he wanted to let you be the center of attention this week.

FARRAH - how nice.  is it wrong that i'll actually enjoy being the center of attention one last time?

WOMAN -  oh, not at all.  you've earned it, i think.

they all watch the monitors as news anchors report about her life and death.  FARRAH is soaking it all in, enjoying the affection.  the afternoon passes pleasantly. 

suddenly a commotion breaks out just outside the room.  administrators are rushing this way and that, and other souls are clearly on edge.

FARRAH - what's going on?

MAN - um, there's a breaking story.  check out monitors 3, 4, and 8.

on the monitors are stories about michael jackson's collapse and death.

FARRAH - did that say michael jackson?  THE michael jackson?

WOMAN - i'm afraid so.

FARRAH - he died? 

MAN - looks that way.

FARRAH - today?  he died just now?  just hours after me?

WOMAN - (looking down) yeah.

FARRAH - you've got to be fucking kidding me.

MAN - what?

FARRAH - so i'm done, huh?  knocked right the fuck off the news. 

the man and woman move slowly away from FARRAH.  they are uncomfortable and unsure what to say.

FARRAH -  i got to be the lead story for what, twelve minutes?  i had FUCKING ASS CANCER!  there was a special on tv about it after those dickheads at the enquirer leaked shit!  and now that wee-wee diddling, jesus juice drinking freakshow gets to come along and be the top dog for the next who knows how long?  fuck this shit!

AFTERLIFE ADMINISTRATOR - i'm sorry ms. fawcett, but we have another room for you just off this hall and towards the back.  we'll be needing the space here in a minute.

FARRAH - fuck you and fuck bubbles the chimp!  mama say, mama saw, ma-ma ku suck my fucking dick! 

FARRAH gets up off the couch and flips it over by lifting the front.  she is irrate as she storms toward the room's exit.  just as she is to the door, MICHAEL JACKSON comes through, wearing a surgical mask and followed by a throng of souls, all trying to touch him.

MICHAEL JACKSON - hi farrah.  i really loved your work.

FARRAH - fuck off, you fucking alien faced circus animal!  i hope baby blanket dies of ass cancer!

michael is stunned, but the rest of the room doesn't even hear or notice farrah.  she leaves and michael shrugs before sitting on the couch.  he sees a small boy across the room.  he smiles wide, pats his lap and says,

MICHAEL JACKSON - hey little boy, come sit on my lap.

FADE TO BLACK

moonwalking pedo

so michael jackson collapsed from cardiac arrest.

i think i know what happened moments before....

  

if he's dead (as of 5:02 CST only TMZ is saying he's dead) i wonder if he'll donate his organs to children as he did in life.

jesus the prankster

made me LOLZ:

sick baby. oh, and happy birthday

today is my wife's b-day.  she is once again old like me.  there is a two month period where i am old while she is still in her youth, but she caught up today.

we were greeted last night with our two year-old getting ANOTHER GODDAMN FEVER.  he had a fever last week for four days with no other symptoms.  it eventually went away and we never knew what the cause was.  this time, he appears to have a sinus infection, as he's oozing disgusting green snot and has a bit of a cough. 

of course he was up many times during the night and is having trouble breathing with all the congestion. 

but my main point here is to say how great a mommy my wife is to that little boy.  he is.....challenging, to say the very least.  he clings to her when well and latches on like a dog on a bone when he's sick.  still she soldiers on and comforts him in a way that he doesn't want or allow me to, even when he's busy ruining her birthday.

so happy birthday, brandy, and thank you so much for keeping that little hellcat alive these last two years when i have considered many times giving him away to gypsies.  we love you.

shake it like a polaroid picture, charlie brown

i've always liked the dance scene in the charlie brown xmas show.  that kid in the orange shirt can certainly cut a rug.  i've tried to steal his moves, but i can't move my feet that way. 

linus appears to be doing some sort of vulgar sex-simulating move.  anyway, this mashup made me laugh:

father's day observation

by definition, couldn't father's day also be called motherfucker's day?

happy belated motherfucker's day to any of you motherfuckers out there.

back to the grind

well we made it back from vacation without any swine flu or mexican bandit issues.

always tough to leave the beach, but it certainly makes it nicer to come home when the little ones are so happy to see you.

pictures are here.

slice & dice

i stumbled across this gem of a story on the interwebs and boy howdy, it's a bit hard to take.

the reader's digest version is that a doctor in romania was performing a delicate surgery to correct some dude's lumpy, disfigured ballbag when he fucked up and cut the guy's urinary channel.  so, as one does in that situation, he reacted by cutting off the poor guy's dick in front of what i presume was a rather shocked operating room.  a bit uncalled for in my opinion, but hey, i wasn't there. 

*as an aside, ballsacks are already lumpy and ugly.  what special kind of fucked up does your scrote have to be before you have elective surgery?  but alas, that is neither here nor there. 

so if you asked me any given morning, "what's the worst thing that could happen to you today?", after the usual things regarding the health of my loved ones, my answer would have to be, "well, i guess i could get my dick chopped off". 

and that's where this guy was, even though he was probably asleep and didn't know it yet.  dick severed.  can't get any worse right?  if you thought so, you lack imagination, something this doctor did not.  in his rage, he "placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital".   

could you run that last part by me again? 

cutting it off didn't satisfy his need to vent?  he had to treat the dingus like a fucking piece of chicken at benihana?  did he make a little volcano out of onions and flip shit up into his hat as well?  fuck doc, it's a dick, not a ginsu knife demonstration.

so what was his punishment?  did the patient get to dip a rusty knitting needle in battery acid and shove it in the doc's peehole?  did he get to feed the doc's balls to a piranha while the doctor watched all clockwork orange style?  nope, 100,000 pounds in damages and his medical license suspended.  that's it.  now i'm sure that 100K pounds in romania would buy a whole lot of gypsies, but does it really pay for having to face the rest of your life with a penis sculpted like gumby with tissue from your arm?  the two words i'm looking for are fuck and no.

they said the doctor "had been under stress".  when i'm under stress, i have a drink or work out.  what i don't do is prepare a single serving of diced dickmeat. 

i hope one day the romanian john wayne bobbit finds this guy alone in a crowded alley.  and i hope he doesn't use anesthesia.

ah, the internet

i may never sleep again. it gets really terrifying around the 4:21 mark.