Guy in a Bear Suit

i'm ready to shoot, jack

this was too awesome not to share.  i like the bongos and the dude putting lipstick on the girl.

and is that keith hernandez at the end?

pigfuckers

that's how swine flu starts right?  no?  ok, but still.

if it isn't one goddamn thing, it's another.  or perhaps a third thing. 

we are set to leave for mexico on june 7.  if we don't catch pig AIDS, or get reduced to rubble by an earthquake, we could still get kidnapped and tortured by frito motherhumping bandito.

maybe we should just go to the hampton inn a few miles away from our house.  they have a nice complimentary breakfast.

blues

i've been feeling sort of melancholy and bummed out this week.  not sure exactly why, but it's a reminder of what my head used to be like every day before zoloft. 

i'm sure it will pass.

simply mesmerizing

is there any way other than being old to get one's hair that cool and wispy?  it looks like a beautiful cirrus cloud or like bill murray's comb-over in "kingpin".

also making it cool is that he looks a lot like danny devito's oswald cobblepot/penguin from "batman returns".

of course

a bird shat on me through my open sunroof on the way to work this morning.

a perfect continuation of the last couple of weeks.

it's ok to cry wolf if the villagers are heavily armed and gullible

i can't remember how it got brought up, but last week i told my five year-old the story of the boy who cried wolf.  he had been "crying wolf" in some form or another i guess.  (is it still ok to say "crying wolf"?  is that offensive to wolves or little liar boys or some other group?  i know you can no longer say "indian giver", so maybe i'm just confused).

he really liked the story and asked to hear it most nights after that.  around the fourth night in a row of requesting it, he started getting a little noticeably anxious as we approached the part where the wolf shows up and gets the sheep.  he stopped me just before that part and said, "ok dadda, this time don't say that nobody comes.  this time, let the villagers come get the wolf". 

i said, "well, buddy, that kind of goes against the whole point of the story.  you know, how you shouldn't make things up because then when you're telling the truth, no one will believe you".

he nodded and said, "let's have the villagers shoot the wolf".

i've found through experience with him that you can't scare him before bed if you want him to sleep, so in our version, the wolf has now been (1) shot, (2) stabbed with a sword, (3) hit by thrown rocks, and (4) burned in hot lava.

why do i feel like jerry bruckheimer started out the same way as a boy?

jesus rode a dinosaur to calvary

an early start on hell

there is no hell.  buuuuut, if there is, i will most certainly go there for my 100% lack of belief in god.

not sure why, but last night i remembered this story from either 4th or 5th grade that shows how far back my sacrilege goes. 

we were in music class, singing this song called "hand me down".  it goes, "hand me down, hand me down, hand me down my silver trumpet, gabriel".

well i started singing it like this, "hand it down, hand it down, hand it down you little bastard, gabriel". 

first off, what kind of 4th or 5th grader talks like that?  oh well.  i guess lots of my current issues go way back.

the girl next to me, a girl that i'm still occasionally in touch with named gaylen, leans over and asks me, "do you know who gabriel is?"

of course i didn't. 

she says, "he's an angel". 

oops.  i still believed in god back then, so i stopped singing my version immediately.

but i still bet gabriel is a bastard.

news follow-up

remember when i told you this story and the update ?

well they sentenced the crazy fucker today.  you can read about it here.

i've been following the story and in addition to the fucking cannibalism which they mention in my link, they didn't mention that the kid was thinking of mailing victims' ears to the frisco pd.  he admitted that when they caught him.

such a nice boy. 

best storytelling - professional athlete

i saw this video a while back and can't believe i never linked it here.  i have a deep admiration for anyone who can talk so openly about shitting themselves.

it is quite possibly the best story i've ever heard told by a famous person.

it starts out with a barely audible fart and then just dives right in.  best parts include him saying that he's good for shitting his pants twice a year and then at the end when he says he took "the most perfect double tapered shit" ever.

george brett is awesome