Guy in a Bear Suit

air jordans and murder

no, this isn't a tale of a kid getting jacked for his shoes.  it is much more positive and uplifting.  don't believe me?  just read to the end. 

i found this list today.  it lists the coolest basketball shoes ever.  coming in at #7 is the air jordan III.  look at this triumphant bastard:

 

in 1989, i had a pair of those.  now as i've beaten into the ground on this site, i didn't have a lot of money growing up.  since i was pretty lazy (only had sporadic part-time jobs), i just usually bought cheaper shoes using the allowance my dad gave me for school clothes.  this time, however, i skimped and saved until i had amassed the necessary $100 for the shoes.  i don't think i've spent $100 on a pair of athletic shoes since, fyi. 

i proudly wore those suckers during 9th grade.  a few weeks into my ownership, this pathological fucking criminal walked up to me one day outside of spanish class, stomped on my right shoe with his filthy shoe, and then stared in my face, daring me to do something, anything, about it.  well this cat was like 20 years old and in the 11th grade.  he also used to hand cuff kids to the basketball pole in middle school and leave them there when the bell rang.  on more than one occasion, he stole money from a semi-retarded kid on the basketball team.  when i'm telling you this kid had no part in society, you better believe me.

anyway, of course i did nothing.  i'm proud that i didn't apologize to him for getting my brand new cool ass shoe under his broken down shoe or piss myself at least. 

i saw him around the next few years since he didn't graduate when he was supposed to.  shocker.  no more stomping went on, but it was always in the back of my mind.  i was in 11th grade and he was still in 12th one january morning when the school found out that this evil motherfucker had been shot in the head, execution style, over a drug debt to the local nino brown.  i think his body was found in the gutter, where he belonged.

i don't think i have to tell you my feelings on the matter, but i will anyway.  i think i told a classmate at the time, "well someone just saved the state a bunch of money on the eventual incarceration and electrocution of ______" (don't want to say his name in case someone from my high school reads this and actually liked the son of a bee sting).  i mean there was no way this guy was going to make it to 25 without doing time, probably for murder.  or at the very least for stepping on shoes.

so to sum it all up - winner?  me.  i rock new balance shoes at the gym now and until he can climb out of his dirt nap, michael jackson thriller style, there will be no intentional stomping going on. 

see, i told you it was a feel-good tale.  you probably want to stand up and applaud.  go ahead, i don't mind. 

pretentious much?

i live in an area that tries too hard.  frisco and plano texas are smallish suburbs of dallas that go out of their way to show everyone how precious and classy they are.  oh look, we all have so much money and we all drive hummers and tip our maids to teach our kids spanish.  we're just like any other big sophisticated city, except that we're totally not. 

this entry could be 10,000 words long if i had the energy to get into it, so i'll just stick with one facet that bugs the ever loving horsefuck out of me: the naming of retail/restaurant establishments.

you can get a pretty good idea of whether or not a store is expensive based on the name.  if you're walking into a store and you don't already know where they fall on the inexpensive to ridiculously overpriced spectrum, here are some dead giveaways that are far too common in my neck of the woods.

(1) the word "at" or "on" in the title of the area.  the shops at legacy (legacy is a street).  the house of cocksuckery on lakeside (lakeside is not a street or this would actually be ok).

(2) spelling "center" like this - centre.  faggoty euro spelling doesn't make it any better, it probably just makes it more expensive.  and more likely that greater than two douchebags will be inside at any given moment. 

(3) spelling "shops" like this - shoppes.  the shoppes at buttfucker plaza.  frisco and plano stay-at-home moms with obscenely big fake tits love to spend time at the shoppes after hitting the gym and getting a massage/mani/pedi 

i estimate that each of those three things adds 20% to the price of any given item inside vs. what it is actually worth.  and in my area, all the parents of gannon, preston, and grayson will gladly pay the inflated price and brag about it to their friends over some fruity fucking mixed drink that is poured into a martini glass and thus incorrectly called a martini.

so if you're trying to buy a $20 molded rubber vagina from the fucktoys shoppe at vista views centre, just know that it will cost $32.

the onion = still funny

skanks

boy scouts just want to help

i'll gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you

poor obama

it's a fact that being president of the U.S. ages you at four times the normal speed.  take a look at clinton before he was able to get ol' cigar cunt to suck the penis-in-chief:

 

now look how he came out of the white house grinder:

 

brutal.  look at these pictures of a chimp in a suit that i found:

 

i actually think that one was after his first term, but still look now:

 

and here we have obama:

 

i've traveled to the future and brought back a picture of what he looks like when he leaves office:

the more you know

if you work in HR or know someone who does, you might want to turn them on to this important video about sexual harassment:

silly hotts

the dismissal of this lawsuit is so awesome.  learn the lesson, hotts; don't hang with douchebags if you don't want to be mocked. 

i could go to the ghost bar here in dallas with a camera and get probably 200+ pictures that would make it onto the hot chicks with douchebags website.

junior pulp fiction

amusing. the end is the best part.

kill da wabbit, kill da wabbit

i need to kill some goddamn rabbits.  like at least a hundred of them.

our neighborhood has always had a lot of rabbits running around.  for the most part they didn't bother me for the first six years we lived there.  the only thing i wasn't crazy about was when they'd get under our back  deck and drive our dog nuts.  but i could live with that since the dog was already nuts anyway.

but now it's fucking war, rabbits.  you have been put on notice. 

first, these fucking grubby little bastards eat large patches of dead grass.  like all the way down to the dirt.  that is going to take forever to grow back when spring comes.  my yard will be a mangy mess.  while they're busy eating crop circles into my yard, they shit their little pellets.  it's kind of weird actually because the shit is always in the same area as the missing grass.  it's as though they eat, digest, and shit all at the same time. 

second, my dog sometimes eats the rabbit shit.  now rabbit shit isn't supposed to be so bad because they don't actually get all the nutrients out of food the first time around, so their shit isn't all waste.  rabbits eat their own shit as a way to get the nutrients they missed the first time.  but sometimes it makes my dog sick.  there is nothing fun about staying up all night with a sick dog. 

third, and most egregiously, the cocksuckers have decided to eat an entire row of bushes in my front yard.  they ignored said bushes for the last six years.  why they've declared war on my landscaping now is beyond me.  maybe it's some sort of initiation dare into the cool rabbits club.  "hey, go eat that angry dude's bushes and we'll let you hang out down in the cool rabbit hole".  i'm pretty sure that they've eaten enough of the bushes that they've effectively killed them.  i'll know for sure when spring comes around and they don't sprout new leaves. 

either way, they're going fucking down.  i need to know the best way to kill rabbits.  and as i think about it, i don't just want to kill them, i want to torture them.  maybe cut off their ears and dance to stealers wheel a little bit.  i want to gut them and make furry houseshoes out of their corpses.  they're not fucking cute, they're a fucking plague and now it's personal bunnies.  i will gouge out your bunny eyes and skull fuck you.

the hammer is coming down on you, rabbits.  be warned.

i'm so turned on right now

and strangely hungry for gravy.

pat bateman - mega disco remix

here's a charming little remix of christian bale's recorded freakout.  i give it a nine.  it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.

i think right after he did this, he had to go return some videotapes.