Guy in a Bear Suit

why i wish i could temporarily turn off my senses

i'm generally not exposed to new music.  i hate listening to the radio because i hate constantly changing the channel when something that i don't like comes on.  i listen to cds, almost exclusively.  well, that and sports radio.

i follow certain bands and find out when they have something new out, but other than that, i'm pretty clueless about what's "hot" at any given time.

however, i do see some of the more recent popular stuff as music videos at the gym.  many times i use an eliptical machine that is right in front of a bank of large tvs.  one of the tvs is set to the "lifetime" (name of my gym) channel and it plays music videos, which are also played over the PA system.  most of this is shit.  shit that is played over and over and over for a month at a time.  i've never asked any of the workers, but i swear they pick around twenty or thirty songs and then let them roll for a month or two before changing them.  every once in a while a good one gets in, like "pork & beans" by weezer.  but by and large, it's just dogshit that makes me want to heave something at the screen, a la that 1984 commercial by apple from a long time ago.

i've decided to focus today on the two most offensive ones from the past month.  honest to god, these songs/videos fill me with rage like alec baldwin leaving a voicemail while i'm working out.  i can always look away to any of the other tvs if i want, but i don't have an ipod or any other mp3 player, so i'm at the mercy of whatever is playing from a sound perspective. 

so here they are.

(1) miley cyrus - 7 things

first of all, i don't understand the appeal of this twat.  she can't decide if she wants to be disney or skank.  just today i saw some picture of her sideboob that she obviously put out there for public consumption.  i'm sure an apology to her fans will be forthcoming.  next she'll probably fuck herself sideways with a hannah montana fully licensed pink unicorn dildo and then issue a statement to her preteen fans telling them to wait until marriage before breaking their hymens with sex toys shaped like mythical creatures.

but on to what bothers me about the video.

(a) that stupid fucking "SHA" thing she says three times at the start of the video.  what the fuck is that?  i want to knock her teeth out with a cinderblock when she looks at me and says that.  it's irrational, yes, but does that surprise you about me? 

(b) she jumps around like a fucking spaz who has been putting her ADD medicine under her tongue and then spitting it out when mom and dad aren't looking.  i know, i know, she's a teen and teens, especially girls, are spazes.  well i don't like it outside abercrombie and fitch at the mall and i don't like it in my face while my pulse is 150+ and i'm trying to focus on not passing out.

(c) the stupid silly crying cunts in the video.  what the fuck are they crying about?  because they have a list of things they don't like about their saggy pants, shaggy headed boyfriends?  well guess what, i have lists of things i don't like about everyone i know and not one of them is under thirty items.  i don't cry about it.  i just secretly file away plans to kill, dismember, and dispose of the ones i can't fix.  stop the fucking crying, you melodramatic whore.  if your jonas brothers-looking boyfriend would rather fix his skinny tie in the mirror and property calibrate his best angst-filed look than finger bang you behind the big tree at the skatepark, just move on the next dude.  that's what being a teenager is all about. 

fuck.  that made me weary.  moving on.

(2) robin thicke - magic (the "official" video wouldn't allow for embedding, so i'm giving you this one with an annoying scroll)

things that make my eyes and ears twitch uncontrollably:

(a) he looks a lot like his dad, alan thicke.  so much so that i half expected him to open with "show me that smile again...."  don't know why this bothers me, but if you're trying to be the new sexy white r&b guy, it helps if you don't conjure images of jesus-lover mike seaver's dad.

(b) pinky ring

(c) he's obviously trying too hard to copy justin timberlake, who is trying too hard to copy a pre-kid-diddling 1980s mike jackson.  the fucking hat.  the 20s gangster attire.  really?  which brings me to...

(d) am i the only one who notices that the dude can't fucking dance?  i mean, i don't like justin timberlake at all, except when he's on SNL, but he can move.  robin thicke is a like a special ed talent show version of timberlake.  here's a good analogy that just came to me.  robin thicke is to timberlake's dancing as corey feldman was to michael jackson's dancing in "dream a little dream".  have a look:

see?  it's like a copy of a copy of a copy.  well, as long as both the copies were born with severely mutated retarded dancing genes.  feldman was hanging out with MJ and had some unhealthy obsession, but come on dude; putting on that hat and crazy gear doesn't make you the man in the mirror.  but kudos to the creamy goodness hott that was his co-star.  wonder what happened to her.

anyway, robin thicke sucks.  and it's not enough that he has to suck once.  no, he's got six backup dancers WHO ARE ALSO HIM.  just in case we didn't notice that he took second place to elaine benes in the epileptic fit dance-off, he's gotta put more copies of himself behind him.

so i guess i need to buy some portable listening device to take with me so that i can avoid damaging several thousand dollars worth of tvs.  that or stuff my ears with cotton and wear two eye-patches.

jessica the hutt

looking at these pictures, it appears as though tony romo's baby batter is comprised of bacon grease and frosting.

for fuck's sake, when you get to the buffet table, act like you've been there, sweetie.

and you might want to reconsider the mom jeans as well. 

**cough**CUTANDRUNTONY**cough

 

like an oversized brillow pad

warning, this is not work safe. have you seen the old picture of madonna that is up for auction? it looks like someone hit don king in the head with an axe. really just vile.

if i went down on a chick and found something like that, i'd (1) shriek like a sissy girl, (2) gag and vomit, and (3) beat her like ike turner while instructing her about proper grooming.

america the beautiful

as i watched the inauguration on the internet yesterday, i had some very important thoughts.  no, my thoughts were not around the historic significance of the day or of the immense pride and relief felt by black people everywhere as obama was sworn in.

looking at this picture:  

my thoughts were thus; i wonder how many people shit/pissed their pants yesterday on the mall in dc. 

did any of you see the size of that crowd?  unbelievable.  imagine being anywhere near the center of it.  now imagine you suddenly have to go to the bathroom.  any chance you're going to be able to "excuse me/pardon me" your way out to a porta-potty or at least a clump of bushes?  i read that around one million people were gathered yesterday.  the odds of at least ten of them having to relieve themselves at some point during the ceremony are quite high, i would think.  i just wonder how many of those people dropped their pants and went on the ground, surrounded by thousands upon thousands, versus how many just sucked it up and pissed/shat themselves.

these are the things that i think about.

maybe it's just me

a one act play.

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INT.  EVENING.

JOHNNY, a five year-old, sits at the dinner table with his MOMMY, a thirty-ish attractive woman.

JOHNNY - mommy, i don't like daniel any more.

MOMMY - why not, honey? 

JOHNNY - well, he brought candy to school in his lunch today.

MOMMY - um, ok.  is that all?

JOHNNY - yes.  mommy, we're not a'pposed to eat candy.

MOMMY - well did the teacher take it away?

JOHNNY - no.  he could eat it.  i just mean we're not a'pposed to eat candy, right mommy?

MOMMY - oh, yes.  right.  in this house, we don't eat candy because it rots our teeth gives us a tummy ache.  you're exactly right.

JOHNNY - that's why i don't like daniel.  he was eating candy.

MOMMY - but sweety, i thought daniel was your best friend?  did he do anything wrong to you?  was he acting mean?

JOHNNY - no mommy.  he's very nice to me.  he's the nicest boy in class.  but we're not a'pposed to eat candy, so i can't be his friend.

MOMMY - but johnny, that's our rule.  maybe the rules are different at daniel's house.  daniel only has to follow the rules at his own house.

JOHNNY - but mommy, candy is bad.  i went to the teacher and told her that daniel shouldn't be allowed to go to recess or story time.

MOMMY - johnny, that's not very nice.  why did you do that?

JOHNNY - because recess is for good boys and girls.  people who eat candy aren't good boys and girls. 

MOMMY - but johnny, i told you; that's what we believe in this house.  daniel and his mommy might have a different arrangement.  so it's not bad for him.  do you see?

JOHNNY - i think so.  but it's still wrong. 

MOMMY - (thinking) johnny, did you want some of his candy?

JOHNNY - no mommy!  i'm a good boy!

MOMMY - well if you didn't want any candy, why did it matter to you if daniel had some?  why would you want to make him miss recess just because he didn't agree with you about the candy?

JOHNNY - because wrong is wrong. 

MOMMY - well, johnny, last week you threw your friend's toys and wouldn't eat your vegetables at lunch, remember?  so you were being bad.  do you think you should miss recess for being bad like that?

JOHNNY - (searching for an answer) welllll, that's different.  candy is different. 

MOMMY - tell you what johnny, you just focus on being the best boy you can be and follow the rules that you and i have agreed on, and let daniel and his mommy worry about him.  it's not really our place to put our beliefs on daniel.

JOHNNY - ok mommy. 

-------------------------------

now i've made it very clear that i don't believe in god, but for those of you that do, which of those characters' positions do you think jesus would be more closely aligned with on the subject of gay marriage?  the stubborn little boy or the mother?

for some reason, i was thinking about this for a while yesterday.  i think it started when i saw one of those fucking retarded "marriage = one man + one woman" bumper stickers.

i think it's perfect casting because religious fuckwads who hate gays have about the same level of logic and reasoning that a five year-old has.  the main difference between my parable and real life is that johnny accepts his mom's answer at the end.  bigots who hide behind religion would never be that open-minded.

i love the 80s

this is quite possibly the best video ever made.  you're free to pick out your own favorite things, but mine include:

1. T's shorts - so awesomely tight and short and it would appear, camouflage.

2. the horribly dressed and out of synch housewives backup singer/dancer crew

3. around two minutes in, there is a skinny kid with a yellow shirt and what looks like lavender pants.  lavender pants, dude.  it's kind of grainy, so it could be light blue, but i'm not sure that would be any better.  he looks like a fucking skinny easter egg.

4. just after that, at about 2:15, it looks like there is some chick riding a two-seater bike with a short skirt on.  always gotta love that.

5. right at the end, a girl appears with a headband that could serve as a tarp to cover the entire state of texas, such is its massive size. 

i love to see clubber lang growling about mothers.  you know drago could never do that shit.

 

'nother funny vid

i'll have more to share later regarding the holidays, but in the meantime, look at this