Guy in a Bear Suit

spooky

i saw this on the news last night. 

imagine having that conversation with patients' relatives.

"um yeah, this is gonna sound kinda weird, but we got this cat.....and, um, your meemaw will be dead within four hours so you might want to get over here".

"i'm sorry, did you say a cat?  what does that have to do with my grandmother?"

"i know it's strange, but the cat thinks she's going to die and he's always right."

"a fucking cat is on your staff?"

"well not exactly".

"does the cat have a medical degree".

"well no, but see..."

"did you get a second opinion from a fucking hamster?"

"ah, it's not like that, this cat....."

"go eat a dick".  click.

of course then the patient dies and they feel bad, but can you blame them for not trusting oscar the grim reaper?

my mom has cats and the only thing they're good at is pissing all over things when they're mad.

more gym hijinks

just a couple of observances last night at the gym, one of which i've been meaning to ask about for some time.

(1) in the locker room, the dude next to me was getting dressed back into his work clothes.  he was probably in his 40s and in normal shape.  he tucked his undershirt into his tighty whities.  ok, first i'm going to ignore the tighty whities, because, why would you wear those as an adult?  secondly, what the fuck are you doing tucking your shirt into your underwear?  what are you, six?

i've seen this probably twenty times over the years in gym locker rooms.  and don't give me shit about watching dudes change.  this is something you can't miss.  it's just absurd.  sometimes the t-shirt is long enough where the end of the shirt pokes out of the leg holes of the drawers.  c'mon guys.  fuck.

(2) while i was on the treadmill last night, a cougar-looking lady positioned herself on the kickback machine in front of me.  this is a machine where you lay face down, but your legs are such that you're basically on all fours.  then, one leg at a time, you kick back against the weight pad like a mule.  well her shorts were riding up something awful and it was pretty apparent that she was not wearing undergarments.  there were probably four other guys near me and every single one of us was staring at the three sets of ten sharon stone flashes. 

is this normal?  not the staring, which is normal, but the no panty workout?  i can't say i'm against it; it just doesn't seem, well, sanitary.  i would never go free balling while working out.

have any of you either seen or done these things?  c'mon, be honest.  one of my friends, who shall remain nameless, admits to sometimes tucking into his drawers.  anyone else?

aw hell

i went jogging outside at lunch today in order to switch things up ( i usually run on a treadmill).  since it is insanely hot and i didn't want a farmer's tan, i took my shirt off once i was clear of the building. 

anyway, about a mile in, a jeep full of teen girls honked and WOOOOed at me.  for about 0.5 seconds, i thought, ok, i'm in fairly good shape, maybe they were checking me out .  then it occurred to me that i'm twice their age and they were probably just making fun of the gross old guy with his shirt off.

getting old sucks.

advanced brain disease

friends and family all know that my brain is diseased.  no, i don't have any real affliction, but the thoughts that i have sometimes would probably get me a ticket to a nice little padded room if i were ever evaluated by a professional.

i'll give you two examples from last week; the 2nd probably more distasteful than the first.

(1) when i get cuts or bruises on my body, i often wonder how i would explain them to the police if i got picked up for murder.  fucking nuts, huh?  i've never killed anyone (yet!), but it always occurs to me.  i gouged the knuckle of my left middle finger last week while reaching into a locker at the gym.  it bled like a stuck pig and i thought, 'hmm, would the police think that the deceased got me there during a struggle?' 

(2) last monday, i had to drop a deuce at work one morning.  upon walking to the head, i passed this insanely hot 24 year-old chick that works here.  we exchanged smiles and nods, and she ducked into the women's restroom as i went into the men's.  someone had graciously left the sports page in the shitter, so i sat there, read the paper, and did my business.  when i was just stepping out of the restroom, the hot chick was stepping out of hers as well.  my first thought (well second thought - the first one being - JESUS CHRIST THE ASS ON THIS BROAD - yes, this is my internal monologue) was that this incredibly tasty looking nubile little peach had taken a big nasty shit as well.  that's the only explanation for the timing.  i took my own sweet time pinching one out and we started and stopped at the same time.  we looked at each other and i swear i wanted to say, "you just laid out a heavy grumbler didn't you?" 

i next wondered if she had to strain or if things came right out.  did she have to rock back and forth to make the magic happen?  did she drop a "grunt and splash" or was it the kind that snaked silently around the bowl like some doo-doo king cobra?   

her hotness is such that even this vile mental imagery didn't taint (heh) her a lot, but still.  those are the kinds of things that i think.  i can't shake it.   be thankful you don't have my brain.  it is a blessing and a curse.