and to quote sarah silverman, "and by retarded, i mean they can do anything".
we've all been there; had two (or ten) drinks too many. most of us probably stopped doing stupid shit like that in our 20s, but some of the more dense among us continue to do it into our 30s. consider me the latter.
i didn't actually drink too much friday night, but rather i drank too fast. i was busy walking our baby around, trying to keep him quiet, and wasn't able to nurse my drinks properly. as such, i had to gulp them down when i had rare moments of peace. then, once he was asleep, i went to bed as well, meaning i didn't stay awake long enough to burn any of the liquor off.
anyway, this isn't about my stupidity, it's about the cure. what i'm about to tell you is nothing short of a miracle hangover cure, tried and true.
supplies:
- gatorade
- an apple
- crackers
- imitrex
- shower
- ice pack
now first off, imitrex is a prescription medication for migranes. DO NOT TAKE THIS DRUG UNLESS PRESCRIBED BY A DOCTOR. i've heard it can be dangerous otherwise. excedrin (with caffeine) is a fair substitute.
what you'll want to do upon waking with a hangover, after staring at yourself in the mirror with disgust and loathing for a a few minutes, unable to believe that you continue to damage yourself so at your supposedly mature age, is eat the crackers and wash down your imitrex with gatorade. see, the reason your head hurts so bad after a night of drinking is simply dehydration. alcohol is a natural diuretic, which eventually leads to the blood vessels in your head becoming swollen. imitrex reduces that swelling, however, it is somewhat hard on the stomach, which is what the crackers are for.
now of course, the worst hangovers don't allow you to keep food or liquids down. that's where the shower comes in. immediately after taking the medicine, jump in the shower. the warm water should make you feel better while you're in it and help you keep everything down. stay in long enough to let the medicine absorb (like 15 minutes). sit on the floor if you have to. while you're sitting on your shower floor, wishing you were dead, reflect on what a fucking buffoon you are for getting into this situation AGAIN and marvel at the fact that you're actually someone's dad (if this applies). also, wonder to yourself how you're possibly going to handle your three year-old and then mow the lawn later while feeling like this.
the problem with the shower is that it can further dehydrate you and the heat could backfire with your headache. to combat this, drink more gatorade when you get out and ice your head and face down.
last, but not least, eat an apple. i swear by this. really any fruit is good, but apples work best for me. they settle your stomach and also give you more hydration. if nothing else, apples keep the doctor away.
obviously, the way to avoid all this is to not be a childish fucktard in the first place, but i'm just trying to help those who are as stupid as me. another way to avoid the issue is to drink water along with your booze. an ounce of prevention and all that happy shit.
leave me a comment if you have any other methods that work. or if you just want to admit being functionally retarded like me.
p.s. my cure worked like a charm saturday morning. i mowed the lawn at 11 and hit the gym at 1:00, feeling fine.