i'm not white trash on the whole, although i do cut the sleeves off of my workout t-shirts and have, in the past five years, made a cheeto sandwich (melted cheese with cheetos stuck in). but one thing i know is that white trash LOVE their music. they will tell you, in a very aggressive manner, what the best music is and they will FIGHT YOU if you do not agree. there is nothing like ducking drunken hay-makers from some dude named wayne* in the parking lot of the gas-n-sip because you told him to turn down his music and that dokken sucked.
* wayne being the typical middle name of armed robbers, sexual predators, and a statistically significant number of white trash.
i haven't done an extensive study on it, as i've been busy ducking gunfire in my neighborhood, but there appears to be some commonalities in the musical tastes of the mullet & nascar set.
i'm going to educate you all on what i feel are the top 10 white trash songs, counting in reverse order to arrive at the biggest trash anthem of them all. now my disclaimer here is that i actually like some, if not most of these songs. i'm not going to tell you which, but suffice it to say that sometimes my heart longs for gutter rock.
just to be clear, i'm not saying anything about the artists in question (well, maybe some of them), but more about the fact that in my estimation, these songs would show up on 90% of your average sister-fucking skeeter's favorite song list.
10. "Swingin'" - John Anderson (early 80s)
ok, most of you have probably never heard of this musical atrocity, but it's the twangiest of all twangy, backwoods, shit-kicking country you've ever heard, which makes it a natural for the list. the song is about "settin" on the front porch swing with this trashy whore named charlotte (he says it more like "shore-lett"). ask any WT that is between 30 and 45 about this song and they'll probably sing a verse for you.
"there's a little girl in our neighborhood,
her name is charlotte johnson and she's really lookin' good.
i had to go and see her, so i called her on the phone.
i walked over to her house and this was going on:
her brother was on the sofa, eatin' chocolate pie,
her mama was in the kitchen cuttin' chicken up to fry.
her daddy was in the backyard rollin' up a garden hose,
i was on the porch with charlotte, feelin' love down to my toes...
and we were swingin', yes we were swingin'...
little charlotte she's as pretty as the angels when they sing,
i can't believe i'm out here on her front porch in this swing,
just-a-swingin..."
fucking chocolate pie on the couch? not chocolate cream pie or something specific; just chocolate fucking pie. that line alone merits inclusion.
9. "The Joker" - Steve Miller Band (early 70s)
nothing about this song screams WT, but for some reason, if this thing gets played on a jukebox in a bar, every single cut-off-denim-shorts-wearing, farmer-tan-having dude in the place will put his arm around his neighbor and sing along. you don't want to be a female at said bar when festus, armed with 24 milwaukee's bests worth of courage, starts in with his gangster of love spiel. overall though, a very "good time" song for the WT set.
8. "Nothin' but a Good Time" - Poison (late 80s)
every time i hear this song, i hope that my acid washed denim jacket is still in my closet. also a "good time" song and not likely to set off any brawls during a game of frisbee in the parking lot at the lake.
7. "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns N' Roses (late 80s)
aggressive and violent. do not attempt to interrupt a WT during the rocking out to this song. you will end up on your na-na-na-na-na knees, knees. this song alone was responsible for more wiry, weasely little fucks walking around all tough-ass style in their bandanas than any other. and don't get me started on axl's dancing. i think he perfected that side to side move while slithering out of the grasp of the authorities after being arrested for possession of child pornography.
6. "Walk" - Pantera (early 90s)
highly flammable is this tune, the most volatile on my list. if you're not familiar with it, it's the one that goes "RE. SPECT. WALK. ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?" it has been proven in scientific studies that the testosterone levels of adult male WTs will spike to dangerous levels during the listening to this song. for fuck's sake, the album cover has a picture of a dude getting punched in the face. i think that is a great case of being able to judge a book by its cover. the odds are at least 50-50 that anyone playing this song in their car will be either coming from or returning to a meth lab. when their guitarist, dimebag, was killed a few years ago, there was a huge run on white shoe polish so the WT could scrawl farewell messages on their camaro iroczs. please act with caution when this song is played in public.
5. "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" - David Allan Coe (mid 70s)
great song. but also, WILDLY popular with WT and texas a&m students (a not altogether mutually exclusive mix). if played under the right circumstances, it can create lifelong bonds among WT brethren. if played back to back with "the joker" (#9 above), you will undoubtedly hear a few "WHOOPS" from texas a&m students or alumni. however, if mr. coe is insulted, it can also lead to bloodshed and an appearance on cops.
4. "You Shook Me All Night Long" - AC/DC (early 80s)
i will guarantee that if you spend more than one hour in a strip club in dallas, you WILL hear this song. and guys who lead the league in causing unplanned pregnancies and owning unlicensed firearms will temporarily stop mentally date raping the dancers long enough to shout the chorus. if you're close enough, you can probably elicit a high five from someone who has made violent love to either livestock or a member of his immediately family. as a rule, WT love ac/dc. it's in the bylaws.
3. That Toby Keith "Boot in the Ass" song. (who gives a shit when it came out)
i don't know the real name of this jingoistic piece of shit, but trailer trash love this song, cause it's about 'merica and slamming "towelheads". step away from the bug zapper, put down the southern comfort, and take a deep breath, roscoe. i don't think our armed forces are aided in any way by your misplaced patriotism.
2. (tie) "Freebird" & "Sweet Home Alabama" Lynyrd Skynyrd (70s)
"play some SKYNYRD!" anyone who has ever gotten in a fight over "the tide", or any other southeastern college football team will just as quickly whip your ass for derogatory comments about skynyrd. i'll always associate "freebird" with the fabulous freebirds, a wrestling team i watched growing up. they entered the ring to that song, and what could be more WT than wrasslin'?
these songs could easily be number one as lynyrd skynyrd is absolutely WORSHIPPED by trash everywhere. but stay with me here, as there is one little ditty that trumps them all....
1. "Achy Breaky Heart" Billy Ray Cyrus (early 90s)
the mullet. the three-part hick name. the tight jeans. every pore of this dude screams I ASPIRE TO WORK AT A GAS STATION. WT everywhere rejoiced when this song came out. there was boot scootin' and bathroom stall anal sexin' going on across the honky tonks in america during BRC's reign. if ever the south did truly rise again and take arms against the government, his face would adorn the confederate $100 bill. every time i'm subjected to this fucking shameful collection of notes, i get the mental image of FUPA-having, big-haired bessie sues line dancing with their fellas. there is nothing more ridiculous than line dancing. it looks like a step class at a gym, only with starched jeans and huge hair. if our nation's WT would ever create a unified voting bloc, there's no doubt, no doubt in my mind that BRC would be the commander-in-mullet.
so there you have it. i'd like to give an honorable mention to the discography of ratt, wasp, and kid rock as well. this pinch of snuff is for you.
now if you'll excuse me, i need to go stick some pink plastic flamingos in my front lawn and head on down to the family reunion to cruise chicks.