man, based on some of the reactions i've read today, you would think that the academy acted out a very public, violent hate crime last night by awarding best picture to a movie that is not about gay cowboys.
i saw crash and loved it. i did not see brokeback mountain. therefore, i cannot come down on either side of the argument, but for fuck's sake, it's just a little statue. the fact that it went to crash doesn't change the sphincter-rocking, sword-sheathing, manpleaser-pounding love between two cowhands, one of whom apparently only opens his mouth as wide as a dude working a ventriloquist dummy. enunciate, sir.
i stopped getting worked up about oscar wins and losses after the one-two punch combo of forrest gump beating pulp fiction and shakespeare in love beating saving private ryan. we should all just be happy that neither julia roberts nor helen hunt won anything.
my other two cents:
- charlize theron's dress, while conjuring up images of unwrapping a delicious gift of oscar winning sex, appeared as though a child's birthday party clown had made the biggest origami swan in history and stuck it on her shoulder as a prize for winning duck, duck, goose.
- naomi watts had a dress that looked like either (1) a mummy threw up on her torso, or (2) that little mutant named cuato from total recall lives inside her and was trying to get out.
- i would have stood and cheered in my living room had jenniferfleck gone down for the count.
- what was with playing the "get lost" music from the very start of speeches? that's where you need someone like russell crowe to tell them to shut the fuck up and maybe throw a phone into the pit.
- yes, jamie foxx, we get it. you're going to an after party that will probably be "live", "dope", "off the chain" or whatever you kool kids are saying these days. sean combs will probably be there and the difficulties of pimpdom may be discussed. now please just read off the prompter and go represent somewhere.
- i don't believe that was dolly parton. those might have been her tits (they're not fake if you can touch 'em), but dolly parton is like 70 by now and is probably sitting on a porch somewhere in dollywood, knitting booties and humming "islands in the stream". the woman singing last night was a lollipop stuffed with botox and collagen. if that was really her, her friends and family should be ashamed for letting her approach joan rivers levels of scary.
- favorite jon stewart lines: (4) making fun of scientology coming out of the commercial break. too bad cruise wasn't there. (3) "...i didn't know we could wear jeans" (in response to larry mcmurtry's ensemble); (2) "bjork couldn't be here tonight...she was trying on her oscar dress and dick cheney shot her". (1) "you know what? i think it just got a little easier out here for a pimp. (following the win by Three 6 Mafia)
- jessica alba makes my pants stand up and shout.
all in all, i thought it was a pretty boring show. i wish they'd show only the major awards and then broadcast three or four hours of afterparty footage gathered with hidden cameras.