well i've finally decided to write this. it has been just shy of one year since it happened and i'm ready at last to share it with the world. it might make you uncomfortable, it might make you sick, and it might make your sides hurt from laughter. whatever it might or might not do, trust me when i tell you, it ain't pretty.
disclaimer, if bodily functions aren't your cup of tea, you might want to skip this one.
so it was my birthday last year and as is the rule in a coporate setting, people were required to bring me cake and other such things in an attempt to make me as fat as they were. it being my 30th birthday, i mostly didn't resist the temptations. i had cake, a large portion of a cookie bouquet, a big lunch at a mexican place, and the kitchen sink.
i haven't talked about my eating habits much on here, but it's generally pretty healthy. i don't eat that stuff very often, but if i do, it's most certainly not all in one day.
when i arrived home from work, i felt miserable and wanted to go jogging in an attempt to burn some of the food out of my system before it could turn to blubber.
i have a 3.5 mile path mapped out that takes me through this wealthy gated community next to mine (geographically close, but economically far, far away). it's a nice little jog with a good view. lots of huuuuge houses that i can't afford.
anyway, i'm plugging along, about a mile and a half out, when i feel an unpleasant stirring in my stomach. i assumed it was my stomach revolting at all that terrible food sloshing around down there and kept going. about five minutes later, it hit again, this time a bit stronger and more urgent. i was now as far away from my house as i get on this particular run, so i figured i'd just keep on the same path and hopefully make it home by the time this discomfort manifested itself in a tangible form.
about twenty seconds after that, it became apparent that no, i would not make it home in time. this particular issue would not take no for an answer. it wouldn't even accept a maybe. it needed to be addressed NOW!
in near-panic mode due to the speed with which these pains went from mild discomfort to FUCKING SEARING DAGGERS OF TORTURE, i started looking around for a place to drop this deuce. i was just about resigned to dart off into some trees when i spotted my salvation.
near the front of the community, where i was, there is an office, with a pool, fitness center, etc. i was so relieved that i almost cried. good birthday karma had saved me from shitting my drawers.
so i jogged (or some tight-assed version of jogging) up to the office and pulled back on the handle....only to find the door locked. i tried a second door, and a third, and was rebuffed every time. it was at this time that another intense cramp foretold of a particularly messy episode right here, right now.
i glanced around, sweat popping off my head like paris hilton in church, and saw some bushes between the office and the pool. no one was at the pool. hmm. maybe i could make it back to those trees. NO! IT MUST HAPPEN NOW! i scooted up to the bushes, checked my surroundings, and after all was clear, dropped my shorts to my ankles and stood very much like my dog stands in the backyard. i don't know which poured off my head more, my sweat or my shame.
business was taken care of. i won't provide you with the details, but suffice it to say that if anyone saw the aftermath, they'd know that i had no choice in the matter but to exorcise this demon immediately.
i quickly pulled my shorts up, stood and looked around, already feeling better and happy to notice that no one was in sight. i still had some wiping issues to consider and was just thinking of how to handle them, when i turned toward the office building...
AND SAW A FUCKING DUDE STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS - STARING AT ME IN HORROR!
oh jesus christ on a cross. we locked eyes and i knew what it was like to be judged with extreme prejudice. think about it for a second from this guy's point of view. he's in the office, about to close up shop for the night, when what's this? a jogger comes up. he's looking around....he looks like he's in pain...OH MY GOD! WHAT'S HE DOING? DUDE, STOP! SERIOUSLY STOP! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID HE JUST? HE JUST TOOK A SHIT IN THOSE BUSHES OUT THERE! I SEE YOU, NASTY JOGGER! I SEE WHAT YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU DISGUSTING BASTARD! OH GOD! COME BACK HERE!
when i could finally move again, i HAULED ASS out of the office area and back onto the road. my lungs burned and i was seeing spots by the time i finally found a dumpster behind which to hide. i sat down and all i could think about was getting arrested on my birthday for having shat in a public place, in full view of lord knows how many people.
i eventually got the nerve to take off again, but i had to leave the community immediately, thus practically doubling my distance. i made it home about 45 minutes after i'd planned to, and immediately told my wife "well, i guess i can't jog in (rich neighborhood) anymore".
honest to god, for two months, i expected to get arrested at any time. i thought maybe the security cameras had caught me and they'd distribute a flier with a picture of me and the caption, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHITTING BANDIT?" i would be charged with a shit and run and have to face my accuser in court. they'd identify my ass and possibly make me shit in a cup to match the samples. i'm not kidding when i say i lost sleep over this.
this birthday, i'm staying in.
