well i've finally decided to write this. it has been just shy of one year since it happened and i'm ready at last to share it with the world. it might make you uncomfortable, it might make you sick, and it might make your sides hurt from laughter. whatever it might or might not do, trust me when i tell you, it ain't pretty.
disclaimer, if bodily functions aren't your cup of tea, you might want to skip this one.
so it was my birthday last year and as is the rule in a coporate setting, people were required to bring me cake and other such things in an attempt to make me as fat as they were. it being my 30th birthday, i mostly didn't resist the temptations. i had cake, a large portion of a cookie bouquet, a big lunch at a mexican place, and the kitchen sink.
i haven't talked about my eating habits much on here, but it's generally pretty healthy. i don't eat that stuff very often, but if i do, it's most certainly not all in one day.
when i arrived home from work, i felt miserable and wanted to go jogging in an attempt to burn some of the food out of my system before it could turn to blubber.
i have a 3.5 mile path mapped out that takes me through this wealthy gated community next to mine (geographically close, but economically far, far away). it's a nice little jog with a good view. lots of huuuuge houses that i can't afford.
anyway, i'm plugging along, about a mile and a half out, when i feel an unpleasant stirring in my stomach. i assumed it was my stomach revolting at all that terrible food sloshing around down there and kept going. about five minutes later, it hit again, this time a bit stronger and more urgent. i was now as far away from my house as i get on this particular run, so i figured i'd just keep on the same path and hopefully make it home by the time this discomfort manifested itself in a tangible form.
about twenty seconds after that, it became apparent that no, i would not make it home in time. this particular issue would not take no for an answer. it wouldn't even accept a maybe. it needed to be addressed NOW!
in near-panic mode due to the speed with which these pains went from mild discomfort to FUCKING SEARING DAGGERS OF TORTURE, i started looking around for a place to drop this deuce. i was just about resigned to dart off into some trees when i spotted my salvation.
near the front of the community, where i was, there is an office, with a pool, fitness center, etc. i was so relieved that i almost cried. good birthday karma had saved me from shitting my drawers.
so i jogged (or some tight-assed version of jogging) up to the office and pulled back on the handle....only to find the door locked. i tried a second door, and a third, and was rebuffed every time. it was at this time that another intense cramp foretold of a particularly messy episode right here, right now.
i glanced around, sweat popping off my head like paris hilton in church, and saw some bushes between the office and the pool. no one was at the pool. hmm. maybe i could make it back to those trees. NO! IT MUST HAPPEN NOW! i scooted up to the bushes, checked my surroundings, and after all was clear, dropped my shorts to my ankles and stood very much like my dog stands in the backyard. i don't know which poured off my head more, my sweat or my shame.
business was taken care of. i won't provide you with the details, but suffice it to say that if anyone saw the aftermath, they'd know that i had no choice in the matter but to exorcise this demon immediately.
i quickly pulled my shorts up, stood and looked around, already feeling better and happy to notice that no one was in sight. i still had some wiping issues to consider and was just thinking of how to handle them, when i turned toward the office building...
AND SAW A FUCKING DUDE STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS - STARING AT ME IN HORROR!
oh jesus christ on a cross. we locked eyes and i knew what it was like to be judged with extreme prejudice. think about it for a second from this guy's point of view. he's in the office, about to close up shop for the night, when what's this? a jogger comes up. he's looking around....he looks like he's in pain...OH MY GOD! WHAT'S HE DOING? DUDE, STOP! SERIOUSLY STOP! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID HE JUST? HE JUST TOOK A SHIT IN THOSE BUSHES OUT THERE! I SEE YOU, NASTY JOGGER! I SEE WHAT YOU JUST FUCKING DID, YOU DISGUSTING BASTARD! OH GOD! COME BACK HERE!
when i could finally move again, i HAULED ASS out of the office area and back onto the road. my lungs burned and i was seeing spots by the time i finally found a dumpster behind which to hide. i sat down and all i could think about was getting arrested on my birthday for having shat in a public place, in full view of lord knows how many people.
i eventually got the nerve to take off again, but i had to leave the community immediately, thus practically doubling my distance. i made it home about 45 minutes after i'd planned to, and immediately told my wife "well, i guess i can't jog in (rich neighborhood) anymore".
honest to god, for two months, i expected to get arrested at any time. i thought maybe the security cameras had caught me and they'd distribute a flier with a picture of me and the caption, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHITTING BANDIT?" i would be charged with a shit and run and have to face my accuser in court. they'd identify my ass and possibly make me shit in a cup to match the samples. i'm not kidding when i say i lost sleep over this.
this birthday, i'm staying in.
this had me rolling. i was practically crying as i read through your entry. what makes it even more funny to me is that we used to have a patron frequent arby's that we nicknamed the "shit bandit." he would occasionally come in, incognito, and leave a steaming present in the urinal of the men's restroom.
we never caught him...until now...
Posted by: Jeff | March 02, 2005 at 09:40 AM
this is the best thing i have read online this whole week...i can't believe you waited almost a whole year to share!
Posted by: JT | March 02, 2005 at 11:42 AM
i thought you would get a kick out of this wealth of information:
http://www.poopreport.com/
Posted by: Jeff | March 02, 2005 at 01:39 PM
sorry for the multiple comments, dawg...but here's another relevant link. it could help break the ice with any onlookers if this ever happens again:
http://www.turdtwister.com/index.php?ref=218&sid=100
Posted by: Jeff | March 02, 2005 at 01:50 PM
Oh holy shit this was funny. Funnier because I live not far from you and know the community of which you speak. I think I saw your picture nailed to a tree last year. "Wanted for Questioning in an Inappropriate Fecal Deposit."
Posted by: PG | March 20, 2005 at 07:44 PM
Sorry, I had to laugh at this story. I think anyone that runs for fitness has had to hide behind a tree or shrub to take a dump because they were too far from home. I'm sure those bushes appreciated the extra fertilizer!
Posted by: CR | April 04, 2005 at 02:10 PM
Aww...reminds me of a similar incident in college.
Some friends and I made the hour journey from Greencastle, IN to the big city of Indianapolis for some real cocktails. "The bar" in Greencastle (okay there were two, but one was a townie bar) didn't make Long Island Iced Teas. So we drove an hour to go to a TGIF's. (Hey it's Indiana...spare me the snide asides.)
We drove back to campus inebriated and stayed awake till the sun came up, drinking in the driver's fraternity room. (Wine by that point. We were young and had no sense at all...as evidenced also by driving an hour drunk on Indiana back roads.) At this point, my friend Sally and I decided it was time to walk back to our sorority house.
Along the way of the five minute walk, she and I both realized that nature was making a demand. In our case, thankfully, it was No. 1. So we decided to hide behind the huge oak trees on the lawn of S&M (the Science and Math Building) in spite of the dawning sky.
As we let nature flow, it occurred to me: "Hey Sal, what would you do if a car drove by right now?". And at that exact moment, a car pulled up on the street and stopped. It was a police officer. We hiked up our jeans and approached him as he was beckoning us from the street. He gave us a warning, and suggested we get our silly asses home.
As he drove away, I turned to Sally and said "oh my God...I almost couldn't stop the flow when I pulled my jeans up!" To which Sally replied "Don't even look at me...", at which my eyes naturally went straight to her zipper area. She had a wet spot the size and shape of TX on her jeans. At that point she turned and ran towards home. I ran after her, laughing so hard I almost wet myself.
And as we ran past the Lambda Chi house, next door to S&M, we received a rousing group cheer from five guys on their balcony.
You can use these cautionary tales to teach Keaton many important lessons. Too much sugar on top of Mexican is not prudent, even on your birthday. Don't go to college in an IN farm town. Don't drink and drive. Don't mix your liquors. Don't pee your pants in front of a cop...even if he doesn't notice, your friends may write about it one day on the internet.
But above all, please teach the boy the importance of always scouting out the periphery for witnesses. Including office workers, cops and fraternity boys.
ps Hi droogie! Happy birthday...hope your bowels are kinder to you this year. :)
Posted by: kunkajunk | April 26, 2005 at 12:59 PM