Guy in a Bear Suit

at the gym

two entries in one day!  i'm like stephen king over here.

yesterday at the gym, when i got there, there was only one other person on the treadmills.  there are about fifteen all in a row.  the other person was at the far end, so i stayed on the near end.  about five minutes in, some old lady comes in and gets on the treadmill right next to me.  she's probably 108 years old, i'm estimating.  it's quite admirable that she's in there, working out at her advanced age.  there are thirteen other treadmills open, but she gets right next to me.  ordinarily this wouldn't matter.

however, today was not ordinary.

about five minutes after she started, i smelled this godawful, putrid fucking poisonous gas.  it smelled like something had crawled up this lady's ass and died six weeks ago and its rotting corpse was leaking out, one noxious cloud at a time.  i literally could not draw breath without gagging.  i mean i can't even describe the raw power of this smell to you.  i can't do it justice.  it was an unstoppable rebel force, annihilating anything and everything in its path.  in college, i lived in a two bedroom, one bath apartment with three other guys for a while, so i'm no stranger to bad smells.  this was the One Smell To Rule Them All.

so i did what anyone would do in that situation; i said "jesus christ" aloud and jumped off the treadmill.  i walked down the row to let this beast clear the area.  since it was just the two of us at this end, and i know it wasn't me, it was quite obvious what was going on. 

five more minutes pass and another guy gets on a treadmill on the other side of this lady.  approximately two minutes after that, you guessed it, round fucking two.  it hit me like a ton of bricks and i almost lost consciousness.  i grabbed on the bars to steady myself and exclaimed, "AW FOR FUCK'S SAKE" whilst jumping off and clearing the area again.  the dude on the other side was likewise assaulted, his nostrils couldn't bear the brunt, and he too exited the area.  this time, i turned my treadmill off and moved to the other end, where i finished in relative peace.

now i'm not picking on the elderly here, but goddamn, if you're having obvious stomach problems, go to the bathroom to drop bombs like that.  there's no way she didn't smell the rancid odor that she was producing. 

when she was done, she passed my treadmill and smiled at me.  such a nice old lady and i felt bad.

and the oscar goes to...

ok, so i watched the oscars and wanted to share my thoughts:

- what the fuck is wrong with renee zellweger?  someone should have told her when to stop with the botox because her eyes are now permanently shut.  and she walks like a gunslinger.   

- morgan freeman gave the best oscar speech ever.  "thanks.  bye."  he didn't list his agent, his publicist, his gardner, the lady who scrubs his bunions, etc.  he said thanks and then got the fuck up out.  cheers to you, easy reader.

- when the boys choir sang with beyonce (more on her later), i bet it was like late-night skinemax for priests.  betcha that moment was tivo'ed like a motherfucker amongst men of the cloth.

- shut the fuck up, mork.  you ceased to be funny around 1979.  you're supposedly not doing the blow anymore, so it's not ok to spaz out with all your tired stream-of-consciousness garbage.  his act is so old these days, i'm surprised we didn't get any reagan jokes.

- i don't remember which award it was, i think it was the first one that they handed out in the audience, but did anyone else notice that tony montana was nominated?  fucking scarface in his white suit right there in the audience.  joo wanna play rough?  o-kay.  and speaking of picking up your award right next to your chair, fuck all that.  if i won an oscar and they tried to hand it to me right where i was, i would roberto benigni over all the chairs and make my speech from the GODDAMN STAGE!

- during the science and technical bathroom break, i mean awards presentation, i noticed a dude named horst.  horst.  if my son had been born this march instead of last, you can bet his name would have been fucking horst. 

- when mike myers introduced the counting crows, he referred to them as "very popular".  really? 

- i must have seen the commercial for john stamos' new show 1,268 times.  enough with john romajin stamos.  didn't we get rid of this guy once the olson twins hit puberty?

- did anyone else notice the amazonian warriors they got to accompany people off the stage?  i think their average height was 12'8.

- best supporting actor?  scorcese's eyebrows.  and i think we all learned that harry caray was not buried with his glasses cause damned if they weren't right there on marty's face.  but taxi driver rocked, dude.

- next year in the kentucky derby, i'm putting my money on hilary swank to win and julia roberts (more on her later) to place.  when either of those broads come on my tv, or sarah jessica horseface for that matter, i have an overwhelming urge to feed someone a sugar cube.  but hilary's dress was nice.  plumber's crack is a bold fashion statement.

-  i think i saw where some of sidney lumet's money went.  right to his daughter's rack.  good god.  when she was clapping, i thought she might knock herself out. 

- i was glad to see what the cryptkeeper from tales from the crypt has been up to - he won best director last night.  warren beatty is running an aggressive campaign to take the role over though.

- puff fucking daddy?  seriously?  let's institute a more selective guest list next year, mmkay AMPAS?

- why was beyonce on stage three times?  was fantasia burrino busy or something?  i bet she fought the desire to rip her dress off and shake her money maker several times.  i guess it could have been worse; beyonce could have caught a cold and had celine dion fill in.

- sean penn defending jude law was silly.  dude, chris rock is a comedian.  he makes jokes.  besides, weren't you supposed to leave the country or something with alec baldwin?  go see mr. hand and shut the fuck up, spicoli.

- i believe that in the case of joint presenters, at least one should have a rudimentary command of the english language.  i'm looking at you, penelope cruz and salma hayak. 

- let's see, chris rock hosted and adam sandler presented (albeit in a very lame bit).  i bet somewhere last night, rob schneider fired his manager in a drunken voicemail while eating cheetos in his underwear. 

- julia fucking roberts.  how i hate this overrated slag.  she clomps around like a drunk horse who has thrown a shoe.  and every - single - moment - must be about her.  she did it when presenting for denzel a few years back ("i love my life") and did it again last night.  IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!  the two saddest things to me in the entertainment industry are the facts that both julia roberts and helen hunt get to have their names preceded by "oscar award winner". 

good thing i was drinking during the telecast, or i might have gotten angry or something.

more pictures

because i'm too lazy to add any original content right now, these new pictures will have to suffice.

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yes, he's always wearing a bib, because the dude drools like nobody's business.  his mom HATES when i make his hair stand up like in that 2nd picture.