i originally typed this up as an email and sent it to my friend shewb, who loves poop stories. but i was so tickled and proud about my retelling that i decided to blog it for everyone to enjoy.
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i didn't bring a lunch today, so i just threw down at chipotle by myself. on the way back i needed to get gas, so i swung into 7-11. while pumping, i noticed i needed to shit, which is precisely from where the best stories originate. nothing urgent, but i figured i'd knock it out while the gas was pumping.
i get in there and start getting down to the task at hand. this thing was turtle-heading anyway, so it immediately started coming out. it was an aesthetically pleasing huge solid log. but it picked up speed as it was coming out and ended up firing into the bowl like a goddamn heat seeking missle. just behind it without a break between the two was a torrent of liquid mudshit. just a spray of filth.
the log, with all of its speed and considerable girth, made a huge splash. mind you, only after assessing the situation during the drive back was i able to figure out this next part. but what i think happened was that the splashed water going up at a high velocity met with the watery afterbirth of this massive shit, causing it to fly up and out of the back of the bowl. to be honest, it all happened so fast, i didn't know what was going on down there. i only remember being surprised by the runniness because i wasn't having stomach issues or anything. oh and also, i wasn't aware it had splashed like that at this point.
so i clean up and stand, only to see sprayed fecal matter that looked like a disgusting brown version of blood spatter from a crime scene on the underside of the bowl's lid, which had obviously been behind me. at first i didn't even think it was mine. so i grab a handful of paper towels and give it the once-over and sure enough, it was freshly applied, not scars from a past shitter.
naturally my thoughts now turned to where else this explosion might have ended up. i dropped my drawers and backed up to the mirror, scouring my ass, lower back, and shirt to be sure i didn't have any evidence on my person, which of course would have meant throwing the shirt away and going straight the fuck home without going back to the office first. fortunately i did not.
i then finished up cleaning the crime scene and was on my merry way.
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