i had to go to lowe's (a home improvement store, in case your part of the world doesn't have them) on saturday for a few things when i felt a brewing deuce begin to make its final descent to its destination. no big deal, we'll just pop into the loo, release the hounds as it were, and be on our way.
i had been incubating this particular one for some time, but had thus far ignored its desires to be set loose, which apparently made it angry and urgent.
but no, this story is not going down that path.
i did have to make my way to the restroom on the quickstep, but once there it was easy peasy.
it was at that time that i began to read the ever-present graffiti on the stall walls. i don't know from first hand experience, but i've been told that women's restrooms don't have this. well, i'll just say you don't know what you're missing.
the artwork, if you want to call it that, is always penis-centric. typically it's just gay stuff; "i'll suck your cock on (date/time)", or "call (phone number) for head, ask for (male name)", which i assume is a joke some dude is playing on his buddy. oftentimes, it is just pictures of cocks. big cocks, small cocks, cocks that skip and hop. every once in a while the author will mix it up and opine about shit. literally. the shit he just took, the shit he's trying to take, a shit he once took somewhere else. every once in a while, there is a phrase or picture that makes me smirk, but that's about it.
however on this particular day, after browsing through someone's statement about how he "tongue punched your mom's fartbox", and all of the debate that followed, i came across this gem:
"i fingered my butthole in here".
hmm. instantly the wheels started turning. with all of these things, it usually occurs to me that i never have a pen or marker on me in the shitter. i wonder why so many people seem to. but in this case, i went a step further, envisioning possible scenarios.
one, he did indeed finger his butthole in this very bathroom, and once finished he took his shitty fingers, removed the sharpie from wherever he had it, and scrawled his admission of filth.
two, he was sitting here same as i, when he looked around and realized, hey, this is the exact same stall whereupon i once digitally penetrated my anus. such pleasant memories need to be written on this wall now that my fingers are clean and i have a pen on me.
or three, his claim was false, but the idea of writing it down tickled him. this is probably the most likely.
having settled on theory #3, i pondered for a bit about his choice of the word "butthole". such a watered down and harmless word to be used with such a vile act. he either had thoughts of or actually did jam his filthy lumber carrying fingers up his own arse and just had to share it with us, but still felt the need to use "butthole" instead of "asshole", "poop shoot", "brown eye", "dumper", or any of the like. just felt incongruous to me.
but anyway, tip of the cap to you, bathroom stall author. you gave me a nice little chuckle on an otherwise boring saturday trip.
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