Guy in a Bear Suit

tyler perry says go watch the tyler perry movie written by tyler perry based on a thought by tyler perry

fuck that guy. 

when i was a kid, i read a book about a little boy who wouldn't share anything because he was a selfish little bastard, as most kids are.  to remedy the situation, his mom put his name on every single thing he owned.  all his toys, various foods in his lunchbox, all the way down to his underwear.  although it was sort of a cunty move, it worked, and the boy was so embarrassed about all the labels that he stopped being a prick. 

that would never work with tyler perry.  for fuck's sake, every single movie or tv show this guy is involved with has his ownership listed at the start.  tyler perry's madea's family reunion, tyler perry's meet the browns, tyler perry's madea falls and breaks her hip and shits her depends.  enough already. 

i understand the need for branding, to a point.  i guess early on he wanted to get his name out there.  but you've made it dude.  use less words in your titles.  did you see "steven spielberg's schindler's list"?  no you fucking didn't.  because he didn't put his goddamn name in the title.  really small above the title it says, "a film by steven spielberg".  i obviously don't know the guy, but it wouldn't surprise me if the studio made him put even that on there.

now granted, i've never seen one tyler perry movie or tv show, but the commercials overwhelm me and i just want them to stop.  for once i'd like to see a movie or tv show with a predominantly black cast and maybe have to wonder for a second if tyler perry was involved rather than having the fucker shout it at me from the title.

i bet when he goes home at night, he eats tyler perry's dinner on tyler perry's plates and then knocks back a few of tyler perry's beers before taking a tyler perry's shit and having a tyler perry's shower before laying down in tyler's perry's bed and dreaming tyler perry's dreams, produced and directed by tyler perry.

colbert + sendak = gold

i've loved maurice sendak's books since i was a kid, and now that i have kids of my own, i get to enjoy them all over again.

but i never knew anything about the dude and had never even seen him or heard him speak.  thanks to the genius of stephen colbert, i can now cross that off the list.

enjoy the interview, in two parts:

 

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

 

part the second:

 

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

so, another story about a deuce

i originally typed this up as an email and sent it to my friend shewb, who loves poop stories.  but i was so tickled and proud about my retelling that i decided to blog it for everyone to enjoy.

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i didn't bring a lunch today, so i just threw down at chipotle by myself.  on the way back i needed to get gas, so i swung into 7-11.  while pumping, i noticed i needed to shit, which is precisely from where the best stories originate.  nothing urgent, but i figured i'd knock it out while the gas was pumping.   i get in there and start getting down to the task at hand.  this thing was turtle-heading anyway, so it immediately started coming out.  it was an aesthetically pleasing huge solid log.  but it picked up speed as it was coming out and ended up firing into the bowl like a goddamn heat seeking missle.  just behind it without a break between the two was a torrent of liquid mudshit.  just a spray of filth.   the log, with all of its speed and considerable girth, made a huge splash.  mind you, only after assessing the situation during the drive back was i able to figure out this next part.  but what i think happened was that the splashed water going up at a high velocity met with the watery afterbirth of this massive shit, causing it to fly up and out of the back of the bowl.  to be honest, it all happened so fast, i didn't know what was going on down there.  i only remember being surprised by the runniness because i wasn't having stomach issues or anything.  oh and also, i wasn't aware it had splashed like that at this point.   so i clean up and stand, only to see sprayed fecal matter that looked like a disgusting brown version of blood spatter from a crime scene on the underside of the bowl's lid, which had obviously been behind me.  at first i didn't even think it was mine.  so i grab a handful of paper towels and give it the once-over and sure enough, it was freshly applied, not scars from a past shitter.   naturally my thoughts now turned to where else this explosion might have ended up.  i dropped my drawers and backed up to the mirror, scouring my ass, lower back, and shirt to be sure i didn't have any evidence on my person, which of course would have meant throwing the shirt away and going straight the fuck home without going back to the office first.  fortunately i did not.   i then finished up cleaning the crime scene and was on my merry way.

yes, it has been a while

and yet i still have nothing to say.  but i'll leave you with this.

sometimes i just don't understand

imagine you have an important assignment at your job that requires you to head into the office late at night.  further imagine that once you show up, after first thinking you're alone, you hear the unmistakable sound of skin slapping on skin that is usually an indicator of people having sex.

let us then pretend that upon investigating the sound, you find your boss nude in his office, ass raping a clearly underage boy.

just typing that gives me a terrible shudder and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and i didn't even see it. 

would you:

(a) leave quickly and eventually tell your boss's boss what you saw?

(b) put a stop to it right then and there, making an attempt to save this young child from an awful and life-ruining rape

(c) perform option (b) and then take the boy straight to the police

with the goings on at penn state being a top story in the news this week, i think we know that the graduate assistant who saw what i described above went with the cowardly and disgusting option (a).

but let's move past him for a second. 

let's now contemplate being the beloved president of the company where the child rape took place.  soon after it happens, a lower level worker within the company comes to you and tells you, in horrific detail, what he saw.  he is very clear about both the perpetrator and the act.  do you:

(a) tell the board of directors and no one else, and then never ever follow up again to see what happened, and furthermore never confront the child rapist about what he did.  oh and also allow him to continue to show up at the office whenever he wants.

(b) go straight to the police and ensure that he can never fuck another boy again.

(c) there isn't really a 3rd option

it's clear what joe paterno did, or rather didn't do.  and that brings me to what exactly i don't understand, which was the subject of this post.

the penn state students appear to be overwhelmingly supporting paterno.  why?  this guy stood by for who knows how long while one of his personal friends ran a personal child rape farm.  the fact that this monster was targeting especially vulnerable at-risk kids makes it even worse, if that is possible.  and yet joe paterno felt like his actions were satisfactory.  they weren't. 

as more details come out, it sounds like any number of people could have put a stop to this years ago, but for whatever reason, didn't.  why would such a person or persons be worthy of our support?  we should be storming their houses with pitchforks.  we should be performing amateur castrations in the back of a van somewhere.

i was telling a friend just this morning that i'm quite surprised that sandusky hasn't killed himself yet.  he is old and will undoubtedly do prison time.  i think we've all heard how inmates feel about child molesters.  the fact that this guy is going to spend his remaining days as a human cum dumpster and tossing the salad of the worst humans alive while a shiv is held against his saggy old throat is the only thing that gives me a tiny sense of justice.

but then again, i wasn't buttfucked in the shower as a 10 year-old by an old man that was supposed to be nurturing and protecting me.  it probably won't be enough justice for them.