i saw a commercial the other day for this movie. it's a romantic comedy with sarah jessica parker and hugh grant. each of those three elements (rom-com, sarah jessica, and hugh grant) by itself is enough to keep me away from the movie, but with all three in one movie, i think it's safe to say i would rather slam my flaccid fuckstick in a car trunk six or eight times than see it.
looking at imdb, it says it's about two new yorkers being relocated to wyoming in the witness protection program. so....sophisticated new yorkers making fun of small town yokels. yep, i saw that back when it was called my cousin vinny or sweet home alabama (not sure how i got roped into seeing that one).
while it's true that new yorkers view new york & la as the only real cities out there and the rest of us are just inbred sister fuckers, i certainly have no desire to see it played out by a scraggly equine and a busted john.
for your benefit though, i've obtained a movie still:
ok. enough. enough of fucking "twilight" and that angst-ridden sissy edward cullen.
i haven't read the books or seen the movies, so i can only go by what i've heard or seen on the internet. i understand that debating what vampires should and should not be like is similar to discussing the merits of unicorns' horns or leprechauns' pots 'o gold, so take this for what you will.
basically i've been told that the vampires in twilight are sparkly.
motherfucking vampires aren't sparkly.
here are some things that are sparkly:
glitter on a stripper
mr. clean's head
jewelry
here are some things that are not:
rambo
a hobo's taint
goddamn motherfucking vampires
this is a vampire:
this is another vampire:
conversely, this:
......is an emo looking, jonas brothers fan club president who has a sore vagina and probably cuts himself while listening to morrissey.
vampires are supposed to be hardcore blood-sucking badasses, not sissies who shop at hot topic and look like they were attacked by a bedazzler. if you're more liberace than james dean, you're a damn shitty vampire. no. fucking. sparkles.
i understand that these books were written for teen girls and what's better to a teen girl than sparkly feminine boys? but still, let's not rewrite the entire genre just so that teens and frumpy housewives can get all damp while dreaming of being loved up by sparkles the blood sucker.
and seriously, does any guy out there either (a) read this shit, or (b) know another guy who does? cause i don't know one guy who is into twilight. not one. and this is coming from a guy who read probably five of the harry potter books.
it's gotten to the point where i can't take entertainment weekly on the stationary bike at the gym because this fucker's face is on every other issue's cover. do you think precious edward cullen (it embarrasses me that i know his name) could take this guy in a scrap:
i think the words you're looking for are FUCK and NO. while the shiny undead guy was whining and moping about, nosferatu would rip his head off and use his spinal fluid as lube while he fucked his equally mopey girlfriend.
in closing, a most amusing commercial for those vampire lovers out there.
